As far as I know, you are not having sex so other people can watch.

You do not sell tickets to the sex show in your home. 

You are not trying for any awards.

The camera is not panning across your taught abdomen as your spouse’s equally taught abs slowly lower onto you, the light languid but grateful in its luck at caressing your skin.  

When you have sex, it is not for an audience.  

So, why do we care so much what we look like while having it?  Why do we care what other people think?  And, are we so wrapped up in doing everything “for show” online that we have forgotten how to let sex be a sacred and intimate place worthwhile even in its secrecy?

Let’s discuss…


First of all:

We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love on screens that our own experiences are often “watched” inside our own mind’s eye rather than experienced with our whole selves…with all of our senses.  We are outside the actual experience. 

What if we focused our attention back to the present moment?  How does this feel, smell, taste? What is each part of my body experiencing right now? What am I loving?  How would I describe this sensation or moment?

It absolutely DOES NOT matter what anyone {no audience, ex, or imaginary judge} would think of how you look or perform during sex.

The only thing that matters is the connection between you and your partner. 

What would change if we believed that?


Second of all:

We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love that our own bodies are measured against templates they were not meant to be measured by.

Learn to enjoy yourself and your spouse – as you are. People like to say things like “we are held to an impossible beauty ideal.”  It’s an impossible ideal NOT BECAUSE IT IS BETTER THAN YOU but because it does not apply to you. Ideals of taste are entirely subjective and arbitrary.  Make your OWN ideals based on your own life. 

The most beautiful and ripe pineapple would appear to be a terribly strange apple – if it was trying to be an apple.  Be the ripe, glorious, juicy version of YOURSELF.  Your body is unique and worthy of honor {as it is} … not just honor, but hot, passionate, confident sex too.

 Be you

By the time you were 12, you surely had plenty of movies and TV {and misguided friends} teach you that only SOME people deserve to have great sex or be proud enough of their bodies {and their existence} to kiss and be happy and naked.  We learn this quickly as we notice how “fat” or “ugly” people are ridiculed for doing things they enjoy, let alone kissing anyone.  We would rather die than feel the shame of being ridiculed like that.

Pay attention to when you are believing lies about your own worth. Pay attention to when you have slid into believing yourself too “fat” or “ugly” to enjoy your own body.  It is a lie.

It does not matter what the world would say about how you and your spouse look while having sex. The only thing that matters is the connection between you.


Third of all:

We are so accustomed to taking other people’s advice about sex that we have lost contact with our own intuition and personal pleasures. Block out your friends, your church, whatever porn you’ve seen… and really be with only your partner.

One of the biggest poisons to great sex is unmet expectations of what sex is “supposed” to be like.  What if you both started with a clean slate and enjoyed designing new versions of GREAT sex for YOU?



So, what can we do now?

Stop allowing any kind of audience into your head.
Be alone with your spouse – in body and in mind.

Create an island in your home where the two of you are the epitome of sexy.  Maybe it’s just your bedroom. There, you two are naked and you have no shame.  You move and breathe for each other alone. You make the rules.

It sounds silly, I know. But perhaps it’s worth feeling a bit silly at first to have years of fantastic, confident, creative, passionate sex. I’m just sayin…

Stop selling tickets to the sex show.

Allow as much PRIVACY in your head and heart as you do in the actual room.


You make the rules