Through the first season of Love and Making it, I discovered one important thing and it is this… most Christian women do not fully enjoy having sex. Whether it’s our body image, past purity lessons, exhaustion, cultural messages, or a plethora of other issues, we have a hard time enjoying our sex lives to the fullest.
This is an immediate problem and one we need to address. Not only for our husbands but for our own lives. Don’t give up on your body being and feeling GOOD. Everything God makes is good. He said so. SIGN UP FOR THE NEW eCOURSE Starting February 1st! GO HERE.
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What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
We think we have to love our bodies in order to enjoy sex. But…
What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?
What if sex was a way to care for your body instead of a way of demanding something from it?
No matter how you spend your day feeling – beautiful or terrible – about your body, you CAN let sex be a building up and not a stripping away of your self worth.
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
We have it in our heads that we are supposed to be something specific before we can be sexy. We have it in our heads that we are supposed to feel a certain way before we can have great sex. This is only true as long as you believe it. The miraculous thing about a marriage and about the relationship between a loving and little-bit-brave couple, is that there really are no set rules.
You get to create your own world where YOU are the definition of beautiful. YOU are the definition of sexy. Your spouse is the definition of sexy too! This is your game and no one can disqualify you from playing to the very end.
Do not let the rules of the fickle world define your marriage {bed}.
Sometimes we go into the nights of our marriages with a familiar conversation in our heads between ourselves and our spouses… sometimes these happen out loud with the actual husband… sometimes they are all in our minds.
“Hello, I am me. The me that you married. Still me. I didn’t magically grow breasts or lose weight since last time we met here.”
“Hello, I know. I like you.”
“I’m all you’ve got, I suppose. Wanna have sex? I hear you like sex because, you know, you are a male. And I’m your only option. Sorry about that. Here. Here’s my body. Let’s do something with it, but I’m tired so please don’t take too long. And please ignore the ugly parts so you can get turned on and I can feel like a good wife. Ok? Bring the lubricant.”
It’s depressing.
It doesn’t have to be like this. It doesn’t.
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
You are not his consolation prize. You are spectacular. And I bet your husband knows it way better than you do. You can’t see your light and your beauty, but he can. He doesn’t want to have sex with you because he has no choice and you are his only relief from the need. He wants to have sex with you because sex with you is like the best thing ever.
LISTEN… I did not say that sex is the best thing ever. I am assuming you are not married to a 15-year-old boy from Superbad.
Sex with YOU, is the best thing ever.
Imagine how you feel when you have a conversation where the other person really GETS you. You laugh til your face hurts. You create inside jokes. You admit a deep fear and they totally understand – they admit their own fear and you cry a moment together. At the end of the night, it feels like no time and an infinite time have gone by and your soul is at rest.
This is sex for your husband. And it can be for us too.
It can be a place of knowing and healing – like a great conversation. You come to it when you feel sad or happy, brave or shy, beautiful or ugly. You come to your marriage bed {which doesn’t have to be a bed} as yourself and you have the “conversation” with him. Some days it can be wild and fun. Some days it can be careful and healing. But we have to stop prejudging what sex is supposed to be like or we will never have any kind of sex but the obligatory kind. And that just sucks. Who wants that life?
We have to be willing to come to it as we are, with no qualifications except commitment and love. You are allowed to be loved like this. <<<<<Bold, Italic, Underline.
You are allowed to be free and honest EVEN while making love.
What if the next time you have a headache, you said, “Honey, I have a headache, can we please have sex tonight?” (Imagine!)
What if having a headache meant it was a good time to have sex?
What if sex was allowed to be as relaxing as a massage?
What if sex was allowed to be as invigorating as spin class?
What if sex was allowed to surprise you?
What if it could be whatever you needed like a great conversation with your best friend?
What if you were allowed to be loved just as you are in bed?
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
I’m just saying, you probably have rules about what making love is “supposed” to be like that maybe it’s time to question, because if you are married, this will always be a thing.
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I do not write from a place of all-knowing, either. I am just a girl who struggles hard with beauty and expectations. I always, always preach to myself. I’ve been through injuries and depression and I’ve seen my marriage bed be a major place of care and fun and healing in the midst of all my “stuff” over the last five years {married for 14 years but the last 5 have demanded I look my fears and desires in the eyes} – and I want the same for your marriage too.
It is a month until Valentine’s Day – second only to your husband’s birthday as the day great sex is “supposed” to happen. Forget the “supposed to”!!! For me, the best way to work through expectations, and a build-up like Valentine’s Day, is to get a jump start on them. So, this month we are going to start talking about LOVE and MAKING IT again so that by the time Valentine’s Day actually gets here, you’ve had so much fun with your spouse that it’ll just be one day in a sea of awesome days in bed together. And in the long run, I hope you never feel obligated to have sex again. Do it for you not just for him! After this month, sex will move from the “For Him” column and into the “For Us” or even the “For Me” column – because once we start looking at sex as something for us too, it will be way more fun.
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I’m starting a 28 day online group and ecourse on February 1st – where we can talk safely, confidentially, and openly about how to have more freedom and fun in {bed}.
ALSO….
Obviously, there are a couple filters to read these Love and Making It posts through: I am married. I am female. I am straight. I believe in Jesus. These characteristics define the things I know and my experiences, but they do not mean I want to exclude other voices from this conversation. Please always feel free to comment below or email me if you want to keep it between us.
