I need to ask my body for forgiveness.
As I finalize the plan for our “Love and Making It” course, I’ve been more aware of my body. I’ve noticed that I tend to see my body as separate from “me”. There’s ME and then there’s this body I am inside that has been connected to ME by nerves and ligaments, like I am in a sci-fi movie and have been assigned this body. Do you think of yourself in pieces like that ever? Is your body YOU or a separated part that you observe from outside sometimes?
I think it’s normal to acknowledge our different elements: body, emotions, ego, mind, spirit, soul – whatever you name them.
The problem comes when we start hating one of our own pieces.
I need to ask my body for forgiveness. I’ve been divided and cruel to that piece of me. (You can read some of my story here.) Sometimes it is our own divided selves that need forgiveness and reconciliation. We cannot go on living with hate inside us and expect the rest of our lives to be full of love and passion.
Being kissed is way better when you are fully connected to your body,
like it is yours and it is good and it should be kissed.
I cannot receive love through a body that I hate.
And I have hated in the past. So, here goes. I am asking for forgiveness.
*****
Dearest,
Will you please forgive me for not loving you? I have not loved you.
I have used you. I have hurt you.
I am sorry.
I was so disappointed in you that I could not love you. And that was weak of me. And so selfish.
My brain, my ego, wanted you as a trophy to trot around at parties and in fancy clothes. My ego wanted to show you off. I needed a Beauty to reflect my power. I was using you. And when you couldn’t pass as a trophy, I hated you. I wanted a divorce. I wanted a new life without you, but we were stuck – you and I – and rather than learning to love the real you, I just resented you. I withheld love to punish you.
Why couldn’t you just be beautiful? Athletic. Graceful. Healthy. Attractive. Why couldn’t you do that for me? That would have been so much easier.
When someone else wanted to love you or touch you, I allowed it; sometimes I pushed you into it, but I hardly ever participated. Their hands touched you, but never me. I watched. I judged that other person for finding you attractive. I told you they were lying about finding you beautiful. I told you they were using you too; I thought they were. And you believed me too.
Will you please forgive me? I am realizing slowly just how wrong I was. Will you be patient with me as I learn?
Please forgive me. I cannot live without you. I do not want to live dead lives alongside each other. I want to live totally connected, united, healthy, excited to spend another day together.
I am learning to be grateful for you – the real you, but first I must ask your forgiveness.
My dearest, soft, warm, Body …. Will you please forgive me?
I must confess, I wrote you off. I decided long ago that you were the weakest link in “me”. I would focus on my strengths and play up my best features: My imagination is gorgeous. My laugh is pure joy. My words are wise. My perspective is flexible and empathetic. My humor is just the right amount of dirty.
These are some of my strengths. They make me a great member of society, a good person to have around. Alive. These make me feel alive.
And I have used them all to escape you whenever possible.
Body, you have felt like a prison.
I have dreamed of escaping you. Escaping into another body or just no body at all. You. With your asymmetrical spine and tiny height. With the parts that hurt and will not behave. I wanted out.
The only way I can be touched is through you, and you feel wrong. I want to be loved through skin that is smooth and tight and shaped just how I like – I want to be touched through a body that feels graceful and functional, without pain or embarrassment.
I want things you cannot give me and I have hated you for it.
I. Am. So. Sorry.
I am ready to learn to love the real you. Will please forgive me?
I choose You.
I Choose you.
I CHOOSE YOU.
Will you be mine?
I vow to love you every single day of our lives. I will be proud of you and boast about you. I will take care of you, protect you and let you protect me. I will learn to love the real you, just as you are. I will find my worth in the breaths I take and the courage I muster each day – not in the shape of your legs…..
Until the day that I DO find pride in the actual shape of your legs! Yes!
These legs. This breath. This hair. These hands. This smile. This age. This day. Today. Tomorrow too.
I am grateful and proud of your strength and your beauty. This shape. This moment. You are precious and miraculous. You are mine and you are good.
I love you.
*****
My ego and psyche needed to ask my body for forgiveness. Do you? What do you need to ask the sweet animal of your body to forgive you for?
