Tag Archives: self esteem

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

Posted on by Nicole

Through the first season of Love and Making it, I discovered one important thing and it is this… most Christian women do not fully enjoy having sex.  Whether it’s our body image, past purity lessons, exhaustion, cultural messages, or a plethora of other issues, we have a hard time enjoying our sex lives to the fullest.

This is an immediate problem and one we need to address. Not only for our husbands but for our own lives.  Don’t give up on your body being and feeling GOOD. Everything God makes is good. He said so.  SIGN UP FOR THE NEW eCOURSE Starting February 1st!  GO HERE.

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What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

 

We think we have to love our bodies in order to enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?

 

What if sex was a way to care for your body instead of a way of demanding something from it?

No matter how you spend your day feeling – beautiful or terrible – about your body, you CAN let sex be a building up and not a stripping away of your self worth. 

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

We have it in our heads that we are supposed to be something specific before we can be sexy. We have it in our heads that we are supposed to feel a certain way before we can have great sex. This is only true as long as you believe it. The miraculous thing about a marriage and about the relationship between a loving and little-bit-brave couple, is that there really are no set rules.

You get to create your own world where YOU are the definition of beautiful. YOU are the definition of sexy. Your spouse is the definition of sexy too!  This is your game and no one can disqualify you from playing to the very end.

Do not let the rules of the fickle world define your marriage {bed}.

Sometimes we go into the nights of our marriages with a familiar conversation in our heads between ourselves and our spouses… sometimes these happen out loud with the actual husband… sometimes they are all in our minds.

“Hello, I am me. The me that you married.  Still me. I didn’t magically grow breasts or lose weight since last time we met here.”

“Hello, I know. I like you.”

“I’m all you’ve got, I suppose. Wanna have sex? I hear you like sex because, you know, you are a male. And I’m your only option. Sorry about that. Here. Here’s my body. Let’s do something with it, but I’m tired so please don’t take too long. And please ignore the ugly parts so you can get turned on and I can feel like a good wife. Ok? Bring the lubricant.”

It’s depressing.

It doesn’t have to be like this. It doesn’t.

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

You are not his consolation prize. You are spectacular. And I bet your husband knows it way better than you do. You can’t see your light and your beauty, but he can. He doesn’t want to have sex with you because he has no choice and you are his only relief from the need.  He wants to have sex with you because sex with you is like the best thing ever.

LISTEN… I did not say that sex is the best thing ever. I am assuming you are not married to a 15-year-old boy from Superbad.

Sex with YOU, is the best thing ever.

Imagine how you feel when you have a conversation where the other person really GETS you. You laugh til your face hurts. You create inside jokes. You admit a deep fear and they totally understand – they admit their own fear and you cry a moment together. At the end of the night, it feels like no time and an infinite time have gone by and your soul is at rest.

This is sex for your husband. And it can be for us too.

It can be a place of knowing and healing – like a great conversation. You come to it when you feel sad or happy, brave or shy, beautiful or ugly. You come to your marriage bed {which doesn’t have to be a bed} as yourself and you have the “conversation” with him. Some days it can be wild and fun. Some days it can be careful and healing. But we have to stop prejudging what sex is supposed to be like or we will never have any kind of sex but the obligatory kind. And that just sucks. Who wants that life?

We have to be willing to come to it as we are, with no qualifications except commitment and love. You are allowed to be loved like this.  <<<<<Bold, Italic, Underline.

You are allowed to be free and honest EVEN while making love.

What if the next time you have a headache, you said, “Honey, I have a headache, can we please have sex tonight?”  (Imagine!)

What if having a headache meant it was a good time to have sex?

 

What if sex was allowed to be as relaxing as a massage?

What if sex was allowed to be as invigorating as spin class?

What if sex was allowed to surprise you?

What if it could be whatever you needed like a great conversation with your best friend?

What if you were allowed to be loved just as you are in bed?

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

I’m just saying, you probably have rules about what making love is “supposed” to be like that maybe it’s time to question, because if you are married, this will always be a thing.

 Beautiful in Bed Question

 Beautiful in bed answer

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I do not write from a place of all-knowing, either. I am just a girl who struggles hard with beauty and expectations. I always, always preach to myself.  I’ve been through injuries and depression and I’ve seen my marriage bed be a major place of care and fun and healing in the midst of all my “stuff” over the last five years {married for 14 years but the last 5 have demanded I look my fears and desires in the eyes} – and I want the same for your marriage too.

It is a month until Valentine’s Day – second only to your husband’s birthday as the day great sex is “supposed” to happen. Forget the “supposed to”!!!  For me, the best way to work through expectations, and a build-up like Valentine’s Day, is to get a jump start on them. So, this month we are going to start talking about LOVE and MAKING IT again so that by the time Valentine’s Day actually gets here, you’ve had so much fun with your spouse that it’ll just be one day in a sea of awesome days in bed together.  And in the long run, I hope you never feel obligated to have sex again.  Do it for you not just for him! After this month, sex will move from the “For Him” column and into the “For Us” or even the “For Me” column – because once we start looking at sex as something for us too, it will be way more fun.

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I’m starting a 28 day online group and ecourse on February 1st –  where we can talk safely, confidentially, and openly about how to have more freedom and fun in {bed}.

SIGN UPS ARE NOW LIVE: Go HERE for the Class Info Page.

ALSO….
Obviously, there are a couple filters to read these Love and Making It posts through: I am married. I am female. I am straight. I believe in Jesus. These characteristics define the things I know and my experiences, but they do not mean I want to exclude other voices from this conversation.  Please always feel free to comment below or email me if you want to keep it between us.

 

Making Love

Posted on by Nicole

“You sure do write about sex a lot.”

Yes. That’s true, but I didn’t expect this. I’ve never cared much either way about sex, honestly. It’s not on my mind that often… not that you’d believe me with all this Love and Making It talk. 

But something happened to me after my second baby was born and sex has become my yoga, my running, my self-care, my way back to loving my body and learning that my “self” is more than what is just in my head. I am not just a soul or an intellect. I am a body too.  And this body is good – as good and perfectly created as my soul. Sex has become a the way I grow as a human, a Christian, a woman. My body and soul are reuniting and getting to know each other.  This is why I keep talking about sex. I believe our bodies are good for way more than short bursts of pleasure from food or quick orgasm.  Our bodies are much wiser and complicated than we give them credit for on a normal day. 

Ask anyone who has a workout they absolutely love (a runner, a yogi…) and they will tell you how that exercise brings them joy and endorphins and knowledge and self confidence and health.

Movement. Courage. Vulnerability. Fun. Play. Appreciation.

This is sex. It’s not just mechanics.  We are making love. It’s not easy, but it should be fun. And it can grow us as humans, if we let it.  Growing in the areas that make sex great, also make life great. 

The keys to great sex are trust, bravery and love. 

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Sex is complicated, for sure.  No one has been handed a clear and grace-ful sexuality. Sex can be the opposite of freeing and loving if we are not careful.  We have to fight for it. We have to trailblaze through the jungle of confusion and false messages, fears and pride, hate and power-struggles. 

This is why I’ve started the LOVE AND MAKING IT series. This is why I talk about sex. This is why I’ve invited other brave, wise people to participate and share their struggles and triumphs in this area. We need each other’s permission to process and grow. We need each other’s safe spaces. This is a safe space to become fully human – body and soul.   Everything is connected.  1,000 Strands. 

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The LOVE AND MAKING IT Series:

 

(lovely guests)

Sarah Wheeler – Beauty and the Porn Beast

Esther Emery – Wild Girls Dancing

Abby Norman – Don’t Touch My Boobs

Jennifer Upton – Naked Truth

Tara Owens – The Crowd in the Bedroom

Candice Jones – Confessions

Robin Chancer – This is Intimacy

Ellie Kay – Never Been Kissed

(from Nicole)

For You, I Will

Tonight I Can

When Your Body is a Minefield

 

With many more to come from me and from other powerful writers…

 

Don’t Touch My Boobs

Posted on by Nicole

Friends, this post is a huge part of why I wanted to start this series in the first place – the topic here is universal and it is also secret.  My guest is a woman who rocks my world with her powerful writing, friendship, teaching, and hilarity.  Enjoy this next post in our Love and Making It Series!

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I flinch when my husband touches my boobs. I don’t know how else to tell you that except for just outright. So there it is. I flinch when my husband touches my boobs. Even when I am enjoying it (yes, I just went there and you don’t even know my name!) Now, that we know where this is headed, let’s back it up a little bit.

My name is Abby Norman, I am the mother of two hilarious girls and the wife of one great man. We met during my freshman year of college when I was not looking for a man. When my grandpa asked me if I was dating anyone, I told him no. I was dating everyone. I don’t think he had ever been prouder of me. I was not going to date seriously until I was a junior.

God had different plans. I was engaged a year after that conversation with my grandfather and married a year after that. I wasn’t dating anyone my junior year. I was married to him. That was almost nine years ago. And still, when my husband touches my boobs, the automatic response from my brain is “no-touching!” Perhaps I need to back up even further.

My parents never shied away from the sex talk. I knew that sex was for married people before I even knew what sex was. Anytime those semi-awkward “making out in bed then cut to black” scenes showed up on the tv when we were in the room my mom would tell us. That is sex. It is good. It is for married people.

In the third grade, sitting in the Target parking lot, I learned that sex was for making babies. I mentioned that I was excited that my teacher said we were going to learn about that. My mom saw no reason to wait, and the birds and the bees were explained next to the red cart corral. No blushing, just the facts.

In middle school I remember my dad mentioning that married sex was about as much fun as you could possibly have this side of heaven. When I was engaged and my mom and I were on our way to Victoria’s Secret to pick out a white teddy for the first night. We had this conversation:

Mom: Do you know where your clitoris is?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Good. After you know that you can figure the rest out.

I say all this to say, I was raised in a pretty body positive environment.

I was encouraged to save sex for marriage, and I did. I saved a lot more than just sex. In high school I invented “the bathing suit rule.” If it was covered up by a bikini on me or mens swim trunks on him, we shouldn’t be touching it until we were married. Kissing was about as far as I wanted to go. This rule wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t perfect at following it. But for the most part it worked for me and thus getting to the wedding night with my husband having never touched or seen my boobs before.

I didn’t date a million guys, but I did date a few in high school. I don’t know how else to say this but they all wanted to touch my boobs. Though we would talk about “the rules” prior to becoming officially boyfriend/girlfriend apparently that wasn’t what either of us were thinking about while making out in someones basement. I learned to have a healthy defense. The hand went to far up the shirt…my elbow came down pretty hard. Problem solved. I learned to have automatic defense mechanisms and they worked for me. And I want to take the time to say, I was grateful for these rules and the frank conversations I had about them. They kept me out of a lot of places I didn’t want to go. And those were firmly my decisions, not something someone else just decided for me. I think it saved me a lot of heartache and frankly spared me a lot of jerks who were not interested in dating someone who wouldn’t take her pants off for them. I am glad I had the rules and made the choices I did regarding my sexual choices.

But now, how do I turn off the rules? It has been nine years and two babies. You would think they would have turned themselves off by now. But they haven’t, when I get turned on. So does the track in my head. “DEFENSE! DEFENSE!” Only, there isn’t any need for a defense. There is nothing to protect me from. My husband is loving and caring and respectful. There has never been a moment where has he has done anything I have ever been uncomfortable with. And yet…I flinch when he touches my boobs. I have to remind myself that it is allowed.

I don’t bring this up very often but I have found a few friends who have the same problem. Why is no one talking about this? I was given solid and practical advice from the church when it came to keeping my pants on, but no practical advice when it came to taking them off. While I appreciated the soundtrack when it was necessary, how do I turn it off now?

Pray it away is the only advice I have ever been given. (Which is sort of lame considering the church promised me a perfect sex life if I just waited.) Sometimes prayer cuts it. Sometimes it doesn’t. I have noticed a direct correlation between how I feel about my body and how likely I am to bat a hand away. I am aware of the connection between the emotional connection I have felt for the past few days and the reaction I have to my husbands touch at night. I can work on those things too, but we both have jobs and two toddlers. As far as exercise routines and romantic getaways are concerned, we are already doing the best we can. Still, the flinching.

As a couple, my husband and I have talked about this recording in my head, and we work through it when we need to. But I wish we could join in on larger conversations already happening. The church is the place where I was taught to think like this. Now, can they please help me stop?

 

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abby-norman

Abby Norman lives and loves in the city of Atlanta. She has two hilarious children and a husband that doubles as her copy editor and biggest fan. If two in diapers and a full time job teaching English at a local high school don’t keep her busy, you can find her blogging at accidentaldevotional.com. When Abby grows up she hopes to see her words on a bookshelf somewhere. She is finally working toward her dreams.

When Your Body is a Minefield

Posted on by Nicole

LOVE and MAKING IT is a new series on sex and marriage, bodies and souls. It will be candid and sometimes messy.  It’s not just about having a great sex life; it’s about having a great body life. I want one of those.  Read at your own risk.

I have noticed something about myself. I recoil when my husband touches my stomach or my sides – especially when I am sitting.

I do not like my stomach as it currently is. I would sure like it to change shape, be different, go away. And to touch it… is an act of aggression against me.

So, when my husband makes a loving move towards me… you know the one… The loving one where he is making a move …

It pisses me off. I can actually feel anger rise up from somewhere deep.

“How dare you touch my stomach?!”

That’s not good for our relationship – when my body is a minefield. He’s just happily walking through a beautiful wonderland (known as my body) and **BAM** land mine explosion.

“Get your hands off my belly!” 

(I don’t actually say that. If I did, I am pretty sure he would fall over in fits of laughter.)

 

We have been married for fourteen years, my husband and me. 14 years. I am pretty sure he knows my body better than I do. I’m trying to ignore parts and he’s trying to know all of me. And he still loves me lots. So, what’s my issue?

Even when we have someone who loves us, it can be hard to accept ourselves. And it can be even more frustrating because there’s “no good reason”. I have a partner who loves all of me, so I should just be happy now, right?

((AND We all know my mom thinks I am beautiful!))

But, it never works like that. A husband or boyfriend can be an incredible advocate, support, encouragement, voice of truth… but they cannot fix you (as much as we could all cry ourselves to sleep listening to that Coldplay song). At the end of the day, whether we are single or married, we will not be healed until we accept our whole and always-changing selves.

This is actual self-acceptance I am trying for…
the kind where I accept into my reality a loving ownership of ALL of me.

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Love and Making it (small)

Most of us struggle to embrace our entire bodies and this really hurts our relationships.

It is a huge obstacle to our making of the love.

How can you enjoy someone else loving your body when you are so completely convinced
it’s not good enough?

There is a part of you that you have trouble with. There is a part of your body that you dislike, try to disguise and ignore at all costs…That part, when your husband or lover touches it… it makes you cringe.  Right? Does this happen to you? Is this real for you too?  It pulls you, not just “out of the moment” but actually, into a moment of anger or embarrassment.

For me, my days go by with my mind – my consciousness – pulling away from the parts of my body that it does not deem attractive or beautiful. I am hardly aware of them as I wash dishes, go to work, play with my kids, because they cause me emotional pain and I don’t like pain. So my mind does me the favor of pulling far away from any awareness of them.

Consequently, when my husband touches my stomach, it is processed as a negative act – pulling my awareness back to something I am trying to ignore.

If lovingly touching some part of my body is actually an act of violence or embarrassment to my mind, then it is incredibly difficult for me to playfully and deeply enjoy sex.

Magazines may sometimes say to focus on the parts of you that you do love; that is a great first step in a healing story. If you don’t like any of your bits and pieces yet, you need to pick ONE to like today. Pick one. And then in a day or two pick another. BUT that’s not the end of the story. The goal is to be whole people. WHOLE.

This is why I am advocating for accepting our entire selves as beautiful and worth loving. My poor little belly deserves love too.  This is grace, you know. Allowing the parts of us we are trying to hide, trying to ignore, wish were different… allowing those parts to be cherished openly and completely, by ourselves, by God, by a lover — that’s GRACE.

This is why I care about believing our own beauty. I am believing in a future where I am full of love and care for my whole self and you for your whole self.  It’s not just about sex, but it’s a damn good place to start.  In the end, this is about our body lives.

WHERE DO WE EVEN START?

Men:

Want to know why your wife shies away all of a sudden when you touch her? I can’t guarantee she is like me, but she might be.  She does not like parts of her; when you touch them and remind her, this can make her hesitant and confusingly angry.

Ask her where is a safe, good place to touch her. Ask her what her favorite parts of her body are and place your hands on those.

Girlfriends:

You need to love the parts you hate. Do whatever it takes. Paint pictures on them. Lay your own hands on them. Pray energy and love into them. One by one, deactivate your body’s land mines.

And then, if you are in a relationship, intentionally ask your Love to put his hands there in a way that comforts and emboldens you. Notice that you do not die. Notice that he is still turned on by the hope of making love to you. The pain you feel at acknowledging the things you struggle with, he does not feel. He feels attraction and excitement at getting to touch your body. Go with it.

If he’s a good man, further along down the road of seeing your beauty than you are… go with it!

Then, have a glass of wine and forget it all. Just freakin enjoy being alive and healthy and able to move.

Your beauty is like gravity. It is factual and powerful. So, at some point, stop thinking about it and let it work.

Love and Grace.

-Nicole