Author Archives: Nicole

Where I am

Posted on by Nicole

 

Hi Friends! Welcome.

Take a slow, deep breath.

Count to 4 as you inhale.

Hold all that breath in your lungs as you count to 4 again.

Then, when you are ready, breathe out slowly and fully.

*****

Welcome to this space. It is as much yours as it is mine. May it be a rest when you need it + a kick in the butt when you need that too. All these tiny pixels, created by fingers on keys, mean something to me + I hope they mean something in your life too.

We will talk about bodies + souls here. We will talk about love + making it. I am a pastor, speaker, writer, and a sex educator.

So, now that I’ve made every possible person slightly uncomfortable, let’s see what good we can do in this uncharted territory. Please proceed wisely and know your own boundaries. love, Nicole

*****

We are whole beings and it matters what you do with your body and how you think about your body.

Let’s set aside a little time each day to give attention to the miracle of being human.  We are made of stardust and the breath of God, after all.

 

Body full of Soul

essays + pictures + sensual delights

 

Quickie 3

Posted on by Nicole

quick thoughts…to help you get in the mood for love…

 

Warning:

Hugging Causes Love

*****

Stand close to me.

Closer.

 

Wrap your living arms around me

and I’ll wrap mine around you.

Until our torsos press together so soundly

that our hearts can whisper in each others ears.

 

Hug me til I’m real,

til the day releases me into your custody.

 

Even the monks do it.

They say it causes love

forgiveness too.

 

We are both here,

maybe we should try it.

*****

 

Hug Me Til I'm Real

Wrap Your Living Arms Around Me

 

Quickie 2

Posted on by Nicole

quick thoughts…to help you get in the mood for love…

 

Your fat cells cannot keep the love out.
Love penetrates.

You, my Darling, act like fat destroys Love –
like Love will disintegrate upon contact.

How weak and fragile you imagine It.

Love knows no destruction, fear, or preference
for which kinds of cells it touches.

As long as those cells carry the distinct signature inside
that reads, “You” … then they are each perfect. 

Love Penetrates

 

 

Quickie 1

Posted on by Nicole

quick thoughts…to help you get in the mood for love…

oh, hello, Body.

Tell me what you want. All of it.

I will listen and not laugh or judge.

I can’t promise to give you everything you want, but I will sit and wish with you.

 I can't promise everything, but I can wish with you.

Just because you want it doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but I sure do love to hear what you like and dream with you.

I’m sorry about the times in the past that I left this important middle part out – this part where I just wish and listen. I thought if I knew what you wanted I would have to give it to you. I didn’t realize the glory in just knowing and listening and waiting.

So, tell me, what do you want. All of it.

Boudoir Pictures Story

Posted on by Nicole

Why take boudoir pictures?
How to make taking boudoir pictures great?
What to look for in a great photographer?

*****

Boudoir Pictures. Why take them?

There are lots of reasons people do the things they do… but why on earth would an ordinary, smart person dress up in lingerie and try to be sexy for a professional photographer?

It’s similar to why people run marathons.

You could just run, you know. You don’t have to pay anyone to let you run 26.2 miles. You can do that stuff for free! Running is free!

People sign up for marathons because it is a measurable goal (and it’s kinda cool to run in the middle of an empty street). More importantly, it’s a powerful experience to work hard and do something that scares you AND have other people helping and cheering you on.

well… in regards to boudoir photos…it’s kinda the same thing.

You can be naked or even partially naked for FREE! You get that body for free! (well, most people do)

You don’t even have to pay anyone to take pictures of you. You probably have a phone with a selfie camera. You can hold that sucker just right and get a pretty good shot of your booty or smile or cleavage. It can be pretty powerful to take a picture and find your face or body attractive – especially when it is not an easy, natural decision for you to be in pictures.

I know, we’ve all seen so many women’s ridiculous selfies that we are pretty turned off to the idea, BUT you could take pictures of yourself and feel empowered and beautiful. It’s possible.

Don’t let other people’s drama reduce your story.

*****

(keep reading, I think this part is kinda helpful)

So, on a personal level, why take “Boudoir Photos”? Why take professional pictures that you and your partner would find beautiful and sexy?

The answer is in the question.

Because they are beautiful and sexy.

And, with the right photographer, they are a vulnerable, intimate, beautiful, sexy representation of YOU.

You, doing something brave. You, letting your spirit and soul shine in your eyes. You, using your whole body to communicate courage, playfulness, beauty, desire. You.

Have you ever shared a journal entry with your spouse? Or a painting or a poem? Come home from getting a new haircut you really love? Have you gotten dressed up and stood in the doorway waiting for your eyes to meet? Do you remember what it felt like to say “I love you” for the first time?

Taking the right “boudoir” pictures is a tiny bit little like that.

 

Vulnerability, Beauty, and Bravery | 1000strands.com

*****

My recent story.

I had been thinking about hiring a photographer for a boudoir-type shoot for over a year. I’d watched Groupons go by. I sent a few self-made photos via Avocado to my Love. But I was, honestly, dragging my feet on having professional pictures taken because…because, why?

I wasn’t feeling “worth it”… I wasn’t feeling “my best.” I wanted to look somehow better or at least feel better before I hired someone to take what are “supposed” to be “beautiful pictures”. (“quotes” make me feel better when being “vulnerable.”)

 

And then an old friend wrote to me out of the blue.

“I have been reading your blog for quite some time now, and I love it. It’s a great blog with a beautiful message…

…Our mission at Eye-Kandie is to show every woman how beautiful she truly is, to feel confident and comfortable in her own skin. Our desire is to enhance marriages, help heal broken relationships and restore and create a healthy self-image. We have been blessed with the creativity and resources to help women take his breath away all over again; creating classy and artistic images that will freeze time. Lastly, our goal is to provide a safe environment that is edifying and uplifting for the everyday woman. When women contact us for a boudoir session, it’s because they are ready to accept their bodies for what it is, right now, in this moment of their lives. Their bodies are beautiful NOW, just the way it is. The way HE sees their body.”

See, this friend is a photographer and it had been years since we spoke. In those years, God and her gut took her into an area of photography she didn’t realize would become her great ministry and passion.

She specializes in boudoir photography and asked if we could partner up. She would take my pictures and I would write the story of the experience.

Over coffee, we shared our kindred passion to see women embrace their own bodies and enjoy being alive. My friend Jeni and her business partner Sarah at Eye-Kandie, explained their process and the care they take to make sure each woman feels safe and empowered. They offer different locations, options to change outfits, hair and make-up (only to the level the client wants), and lots of guidance (i.e. encouragement and friendship) to help create the best experience and photos.

I said yes. I said yes to partnering up because I was excited to work with them. These are women who are smart and passionate and talented. After talking with Jeni & Sarah, I felt like I could put my (literal) self and my writing on the line with integrity.

If you are in Southern California, I would highly recommend Jeni at Eye-Kandie as your boudoir photographer. If you are far, far away… here’s what she did that was so great and what you should look for in a photographer.

Lots of creative, thoughtful preparation.

  1. She asked me what I wanted and gave me time to think about it. She started a Pinterest board where I could pin pictures that inspired me, that I loved, that were more than just “pictures” and were really the kind of art I wanted to create. We also pinned hair and make-up pictures so I didn’t have to worry that I’d look like someone else in my pictures. She got to know me.
  2. Her goal was my best experience. This included getting the best shots but never at the expense of my comfort. I filled out a questionnaire about my favorite parts of me, my husbands favorite parts, the parts I am shy about, the reason I want to do this, how much skin I was comfortable showing.
  3. All the prices were up front and I never had a doubt about their professionalism. If you have a doubt about a photographer, don’t do it. These people have to be responsible with your mostly-nude pictures. If they are not responsible in the prep process, get out.

Care and Artistry in the process

  1. I was a whole human throughout the entire process; never just a body. I did boudoir pictures years ago where I felt like I was taking school pictures but naked (doesn’t that just sound like the worst nightmare ever!). The photographer posed my hands and head and told me how to move my face. You want a photographer who allows freedom of movement and expression BUT still gives you guidance, pose options, small changes to get your best angles.
  2. Are they thinking through pictures your husband will love AND pictures you will love? There are angles and options that just hit the “YES” button for dudes. Those same pictures can feel a little extreme or false to a woman. A great photographer will talk about pictures he will love and ones you will love.

The Hardest Part – reviewing the pictures

  1. Ask the photographer how you will review the pictures. How many photos will there be? Where are you when you look at them? How long do you have to decide which ones you love?
  2. This is just the hardest part. Jeni was wonderful throughout it. Sitting and looking at pictures of your bare (in every way) self is difficult, but trying to form opinions on which ones are “better” and analyzing them is excruciating. You want a photographer who is patient and offers their opinion only when you ask. You want someone who pre-edits all the awkward ones OUT (I had a different previous session years ago where the photographer showed me ALL the pictures she took… pictures of me changing positions, making faces… I’ll never recover.)
  3. Most of all, you want someone who has the same goal as you throughout. That’s what got me about Jeni’s email and her mission statement. I knew we had the same goal with our art: Beauty and Freedom for all women.

 
Here’s the deal. Because I was lucky enough to partner with Jeni and Sarah at Eye-Kandie, any of you who are local and ready to do this… contact Eye-Kandie and mention me. You’ll get a $$ discount off whatever you choose to purchase with them.

AND I’d like to do something to help too.

The first 10 people to book boudoir pictures with Eye-Kandie, I would be honored to do a 30 min Skype call as you prepare to help cheer you on and answer any questions. 

I believe I am probably the only female pastor writing positively about boudoir pictures at this very second. (if not, let me know!)

“The way HE {God} sees their body” – as Jeni said in her email … That matters. That is grace and goodness and Creation and freedom and God and beauty and bravery. 

Your Body Is Good | www.1000strands.com

Yes, I believe in God.
Yes, I believe your body is Good.
Yes, I believe boudoir pictures can be edifying and beautiful and actually an incredibly holy thing.

I love my pictures and I will share more next week (appropriately, of course). 

 -Nicole

The Best Reasons to Take Boudoir Pictures

Posted on by Nicole

Hi there, Loves!

Boudoir Pictures are like tattoos. It seems like everyone’s getting them.

But, why? And what is the BEST reason to take Boudoir Photos? Didn’t your mom warn you never to have naked pictures taken?

Well, if you do them for the right reasons, they cannot be used against you.

The best reason to have professional boudoir pictures taken is FOR YOU. When you get them for you, they take on deeper significance and empowerment.

Let’s talk about 3 purely personal reasons you might take boudoir photos:

  1. Each step of the process requires bravery and vulnerability and those things = WINNING AT LIFE. There’s a sense of accomplishment that you did something scary, like jumping off a high dive or running a marathon.

  2. Boudoir pictures place you and your body in an arena only “sexy” people can go, so your brain must wrestle with believing YOU are sexy. In the process of taking the photos, you will think about your sensuality and how you can see yourself as beautiful in empowering ways.

  3. God sees you as “all beautiful” and these pictures are a spiritual exercise in believing Him. You act on the truth of your beauty and you have physical proof of your faith.

*****

Sit down, relax, and let me tell you a story.

Once there was a girl who didn’t like her body. She didn’t like the look of it. It wasn’t what she ordered. 

She tried and tried to love it and take care of it, but it never quite fit.  She’d all but given up, when one day she was reading and came upon a message that changed everything: 

“All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you.”
Song of Solomon 4:7

You should know, she was a girl who believed in God – a God who created everything, including her. She believed this God made good things and loved her very much. If this was all true, then perhaps she was made well— without flaw, even. 

But she realized that she lived as if she were covered in flaws. Flaws in her skin, in her shape, in her size… even in the way she sometimes held her head crooked or had a double chin when she laughed really hard. 

What if she were ALL beautiful – without flaw? well, That felt absurd. But she sat with it and prayed, “Show me how you see me, God.”

And He slowly began to peel away the layers of lies.

I write about beauty a lot. I write about sex a lot. I write because that is how I process life. I write online because I have an artist’s heart and always hope my creations matter to one other human.

But it is not JUST writing or wishful prayer that changes me each day. It is in my habits {both physically and mentally}.

So, I do yoga. I even do this yoga when no one is watching. I allow sex to be both a physical and a spiritual practice. And I take big steps towards placing my own self into situations I would ONLY do if I believed I was beautiful. 

I take big steps towards placing my own self into situations I would ONLY do if I believed I was beautiful. 

Because I want to believe God and I want to be free.

We need to take action if we want to see change. We cannot go a different direction without taking steps. That’s called standing still. I wanted to MOVE into new ground. I was sick and tired of feeling bad about my body so I have been taking steps.

And now you know one major leap I took to help me see myself as a beautiful daughter of God.

Saying YES to a boudoir session with a sensitive, empowering photographer helped me take a major step forward in seeing myself as a beautiful woman. No joke. Those pictures are even more for ME than for my husband (and that’s saying a lot).

 

We will define boudoir pictures as: photographs where you are vulnerable, intimate, playful, sensual, and mostly undressed.

Boudoir Ideas // www.1000strands.com

For me, Boudoir pictures are not just a fad or a fantastic gift for your Love. They are an active step toward seeing your own beauty. You are placing yourself in a situation that you would ONLY do if you were attractive and sexy… “without flaw.”

In the preparation, in the actual photoshoot, and then in the viewing of the pictures, I was confronted with the lies I believed about myself.

What were those lies? I’m sure you know your own well…

That I was not worth looking at “in that way.” That I was being ridiculous taking “this kind” of picture. That I was honestly really lumpy and unattractive and it is embarrassing that I’m trying to be sexy. That it would be hard for the photographer to get a good picture of this body. That my husband would have to lie and tell me these pictures look hot. That it’s better to hide myself than show what my body looks like.

But,

I placed myself in an immediate and safe situation where I had to stand up under those lies, and in faith develop eyes that saw my own beautifully created body and soul… eyes that see me as a well-made part of creation and to even be so brave as to see myself as attractive and sexy.  It was not easy and never will be…

BUT IT IS CHANGING.

Regardless of your relationship status; having vulnerable, beautiful pictures taken of you is a powerful tool towards seeing your own beauty.

In the next couple weeks, I will write more on how to prepare for a boudoir-style photoshoot, what makes a great photoshoot, how to get the best pictures, how to make the entire process a meaningful & even spiritual experience, and what my time was like with my photographer.

Also, P.S. Even if you never take professional “boudoir” pictures… even if you maybe just try to take a selfie today without hating it, that is a step forward. My friend Melissa Hawks at Bedlam Magazine takes rad selfies that make me jealous in the best ways.

Place yourself in dreams you would only live if you believed you were beautiful

 Like the face you've been given
Want to read more? Try this one! I dare you to look.

Help Your Spouse Want More

Posted on by Nicole

Hey Guys,

Want more great sex with your spouse? Want them to want sex more? I’m not one to be bullet-point about things, but since this is for you Guys I’m gonna try. Let’s start with the delicate subject of arousal and wanting sex …

*****

Imagine that every couple days your female best friend drives to your house to see you. You open the door and run out. Grabbing her in a fierce hug, you smile and stand together for a moment. You’ve missed her. While still hugging, you pat her down and take any money, jewelry, or Starbucks cards she has on her.  You stick your hands in her pockets and pull. You slide your hands up and down her sides, noticing a phone in her jacket and a wallet as well. You slide your fingers in and take those too. Then, you hold your friend by the shoulders, say “THANKS, SEE YOU TOMORROW!” with a big ol’ grin, and go back into the house, locking the door behind you.

How many times do you think that friend would come back to see you, if all they get is their body patted for loot?

Our spouse is the person with whom we have agreed to be BEST Friends.

And frankly, sometimes, sex can feel like a fairly pleasant mugging instead of best friends playing.

*****

(I want to clarify that the typical man/woman roles in sexual interactions can easily be switched. About 1 in 8 of the people I talk to about their relationships have the roles reversed – where the woman wants sex more often than the man.  Just read this from the role you know you fill.)

*****

Here’s the hard part: Some of you, men, you are using women’s bodies to get what you want… but most of you would be profoundly saddened to hear that a woman felt used after having sex with you.  Most men want sex to be good for both parties.

Despite the efforts of good men, who do want to have great sex with the woman they love {GOOD = reciprocal, hot, fun, satisfying sex}, many women are in a nearly constant state of being “turned off” because of past experiences or cultural messages or things you are inadvertently communicating.  Consequently, sex does not feel like two beloved friends reuniting but rather a fairly pleasant mugging.

*****

What can be done about this?

It all comes down to navigating arousal.

3 THINGS: 

1. Equal Participation.

Have you ever had a friend who was an over-talker?  Someone who literally sucked you dry because you couldn’t get a word in edgewise and felt like they just wanted you to listen to them talk on and on, but had NO interest in your life? Make sure your sex is NOT like that. Give and receive. Laugh. Make eye contact. Pause and Listen. Pay attention to their needs as well as your own.  Make sex more like a deep conversation than a high five…more like sharing everything you have than a fairly pleasant mugging.

If you are the person who usually just listens and doesn’t share your own heart – i.e. if you are the one who just lays there while the other person is trying to connect, start asking yourself questions about why that is and take action. (START WITH MY FREE NEWSLETTER)  Clearly choose IN, do not make your spouse guess if you want to do this with them.

 

2. Moving into mutual arousal is a delicate process.

Move with intentionality through the moments where intimacy and touch turn to arousal, because arousal can feel like a demand. No matter how flattering or meaningful, if one person feels loving but not anywhere near aroused and is then met by the demanding arousal of the other – it can feel more like pressure or obligation than like the sexy attraction we all want so badly from another person.

Arousal is a little like drinking alcohol.
No one wants to drink alone, but being the sober one sucks too.

If you are the one faster to be aroused, be clear that your arousal is not your body yelling AT your partner for immediate gratification – it is a pull towards each other – a desire for passionate connection. If the man is the faster-aroused, it will be obvious. 🙂  Try to keep a piece of friendship between you while you are aroused: say something sweet, slow down, be still between movements, make each other laugh.

There is a deeply sewn belief that “all men want is sex.” So, when a man becomes aroused, it makes the woman immediately feel less human and more “object.”  This is the core of what needs to be worked through without judgment on either side = Keep your humanity while being aroused.

Arousal is GOOD. It is from God. It is a pull towards each other that keeps us connected when the busyness of life tries to pull us apart. Respect arousal as a gift from God – harness it and use it to build connection and love.

3. Make it clear that you want HER.

You want this woman – as she is today. You want to connect with her on levels only possible when your entire body and soul are involved.  This will help navigate arousal. Both of you must be willing to accept the other at whatever level of arousal each of you need to start at and then move towards each other …  Like a great conversation with deepening questions and confessions.

How do you do this?

If you are not easily aroused?  Be patient with your body but do not let a lack of arousal keep you from starting an intimate night.  Do not feel bad about your level of arousal just don’t accept it as a final answer.

If you are easily aroused?  Be patient with your partner’s body. Coax them into a great time, but do not feel ashamed of your arousal…it is like fuel. Use it wisely… it is combustible and can hurt if we are not careful about how we use it.

 *****

Hey Guys, instead of running to take what you can get, give everything you have to each other.  Lay it all on the table, on the bed, on the floor.

I closed my eyes and spoke to you in a hundred Silent ways. – Rumi

Passionals

Posted on by Nicole

What is a Passional?

It is a letter from me to you combining PASSION + SPIRIT.

Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.

*****

In a world full of demands and expectations around beauty and sexuality, a Passional is freedom and exploration.

When you receive your weekly Passional, you will know I have been thinking about how to bring more Bravery + Beauty + Freedom to your life in bed and out.

*****

It’s all about you and your marriage and the meaning behind all of our actions.

It’s also about creating hot make-out-sessions.

It’s also about starting glorious flames of passion in your heart.

It’s also about noticing the glory in every moment – and the glory in YOU.

*****

You are glorious. You are good. You are a miracle. Your skin. Your smile. The way your lungs fill with air to spread life throughout your body. The freckle you think is weird, that’s beautiful too.**

Your spouse is also a miracle. Can you see it?

Henry Miller Quote | Miracles | Ocean | www.1000strands.com

 

Your Passional will remind you to notice the miracles and help you find ways around & through the obstacles in your love life.

Passionals are for anyone wanting a safe, respectful, loving, but still instructive, funny and passionate take on sex.

Here are the first 3 FREE Passional Newsletters. Read them and subscribe for more.

Keeping the Spark Alive – Passional Newsletter #1

Let Your Body Speak – Passional Newsletter #2

Swimming in Mood – Passional Newsletter #3

You can subscribe through any of the newsletters or you can subscribe:

RIGHT HERE. TOUCH THIS, RIGHT HERE.

I hope this is just the beginning of our friendship! Thanks for reading and subscribing.  

**Note: If you have a weird freckle that is more than just “weird” or getting weirder, have a doctor check that out.

 

LOVE AND MAKING IT: REAL SEX. REAL LOVE. 

BRAVERY | BEAUTY | FREEDOM

Henry Miller quote | Love and Making it | www.1000strands.com

Henry Miller quote | Love and Making it | www.1000strands.com

 

Start coloring with 50 Shades of Grey

Posted on by Nicole

I write and speak on the topic of sex.  I want to be careful with the trust you have given me on this subject. I will not tell you whether you should see 50 Shades of Grey since I haven’t seen the movie yet. Only you know what is beneficial for YOU … but hopefully this will help you cultivate freedom and beauty in your own life either way. 

Here’s what I learned from reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books:

I had limited my own creativity. Most of the actual activities within the book were not appealing to me BUT a few were, and more importantly it got me thinking about how artistic and creative someone can be within their make-out sessions. 

Texture.

Music. 

Surprise. 

Sensation. 

Voicing what you want. 

Clear boundaries and room to play within those rules. 

Rather than giving thought to whether the movie should exist or if it will literally destroy a generation, give thought to your own story. You do not need to save the world. How about we first save ourselves?

Does your body need your attention? Does your spouse’s body need your attention?

Fifty Shades of Grey gives a lot of attention to bodies.  This is another thing I learned: It is especially important for those of us who’ve struggled with bodies being GOOD and BEAUTIFUL and perfectly made by a GOD YOU LOVES YOUR BODY — to intentionally focus your own loving attention on your body.

Where have you been limited in your thinking about your body?

Where have you settled for “mediocre” in making love? 

Is sex an obligation? Is it something you do to make babies? Is it something you do for attention? 

How do you move? Could you move differently?

What is your sensory experience? Could you add anything? Smells? Tastes? Varied movements? Music?

Within the healthy boundaries of your own life, how could you play?

Life is full of art. We create a masterpiece within each day by how we live. It’s easy to think of creativity starting in our heads and moving out into the items we create: blog posts, paintings, photographs, meals … BUT do not forget that your own body needs to creatively express itself. Embodiment is healthy. Have you seen a toddler dance lately? Dear Lord, they are art in motion.  

*****

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I believe in my bones that EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. Rather than seeing 50 Shades of Grey, spend some time looking at art and thinking about sex. You will get the benefits without the complications of the movie.

How do the paintings and photographs communicate movement or texture?
How could your body express your feelings?
Imagine what you could do.

Why does Fifty Shades turn women on? We could debate the intricacies, but most of all, it’s because it makes women actually THINK about sex as pleasurable and creative. Thinking about new possibilities {in bed} will turn you on.

So, here’s my collection of Fifty Shades of Grey inspiration for you. ENJOY!

(want more inspiration for a healthy | brave | beautiful lovelife?
Sign up for the free, weekly NEWSLETTER)

 

Paul Jenkins, Lateral Crossing (2007) | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey

Paul Jenkins, Lateral Crossing (2007) | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey

 

Grey Ocean | 1000strands.com | Fifty Shades of Grey

Grey Ocean | 1000strands.com | Fifty Shades of Grey | Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/

 

By Mark Tobey | 1000strands.com | 50 Shades

By Mark Tobey | Found at http://wowgreat.tumblr.com/post/16574960081/mark-tobey

 

Caught Leaf by James R. Paige | 1000strands.com | Grey

Caught Leaf by James R. Paige | Found at https://www.flickr.com/photos/pageworld/5120795449/

 

Almond Milk | from designlovefest.com | repost on 1000strands.com

Found at http://www.designlovefest.com/2014/03/mint-mocha-shake-recipe/

 

Mountain top | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey

Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/

 

Bed | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey

Found at http://intsight.tumblr.com/

 

Shane Salzwedel | 1000strands.com | Grey

Found at http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/brooks-shane-salzwedel

 

Naked Body | Charlie Chaplin Quote | 1000strands.com

 

(want more inspiration for a healthy | brave | beautiful lovelife?
Sign up for the free, weekly NEWSLETTER)

How to have a soulmate

Posted on by Nicole

Lately, it has been very cool to say that your husband is not your soulmate.

My Husband is not my soulmate – like here

My Husband is not my soulmate – or here

And I get it. It feels good to be strong and independent and logical.

“I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.”

These women are breaking through the myth that there is one, magical person who is your other half and who will make your life complete. This is a lie. No human is going to make your life complete. Any human you know deeply and intimately will make your life crazy, confusing, tiring, hilarious, and worthwhile… but not perfect or even complete. Life is not complete for more than fleeting moments, unless you are dead. If you feel complete for more than about 60 minutes at a time, you are probably dead and should ask someone if they can see you.

But, soulmates are real and not believing in them will rob you of the best a marriage can be. You can have a soulmate.  You can marry your soulmate. It is possible.

Do you want to know how to marry your soulmate?

Mate your soul to the person you marry.

 

Mate your soul to the person you marry and they will be your soulmate.

MATE: Join together; connect mechanically.

Join your soul together with your spouse and your souls become “soulmates.”

The miracle of real soulmates is not that they found each other and complete each other.  The miracle is not the fairytale of twinkly eyes gazing across a crowded room and falling in love.  That’s the easy part. The miracle is two people with initial chemistry and attraction, each deciding to choose into being soulmates for thousands + thousands of hours.  Over and over again, BOTH people choose to be grateful, interested, affectionate, focused, and forgiving. THIS is how soulmates are made and kept.

SOULMATES

Soulmates are a miracle because BOTH people are in it at the same time and with complimentary intensity. They are both grateful for each other and their relationship. They are both interested in life and in each others lives. They share. They are affectionate and love each others bodies as well as their souls. They are forgiving and able to keep the goal of connection above any disappointments or hurt.
Both people = Miracle

You will not feel like soulmates if only one of you is doing this.  It takes two to mate.

 

So, how do you mate your soul with your spouse’s soul?
Be Grateful, Interested, Affectionate, and Forgiving.

1. Grateful. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Choose gratitude today. You’ll know you’ve chosen to be grateful by your tone of voice and that delicate balance between enjoying what you have and knowing it could be gone at any time.  If you are sassy, cold, or gruff, you are probably not grateful.

2. Interested. Be genuinely interested in your spouse’s passions and life. Share what you read. Share activities. Share stories. Listen well. Be INTO him. Be INTO her. Keep developing a taste for what the other loves. Make eye contact in the midst of sharing a moment and you will feel like soulmates. 

3. Affectionate. Touch each other in tenderness and attention. Notice when her hand rests on your leg. Notice when his hand is on your back. Notice and be aware of your bodies near each other. Make a big deal of small caresses – pretend you are 12-years-old and remember how much each brush of skin MATTERED to you. Let it matter.

4. Forgive. When you are not acting like soulmates, forgive. When you are frustrated or disappointed, voice it kindly and then forgive. Voice problems in love and without blame, and then forgive. This is how you stay soulmates.

If you can BOTH be grateful, interested, affectionate, and forgiving… you will have your soulmate. 

A soulmate is different than a life partner or spouse in one important way. When we totally stop believing in soulmates, we are really choosing to keep some of our separateness & independence… to keep some of your soul safe from the other person. You know someone is your soulmate because they can crush you. It matters to you if they love you. It matters when they call. It matters, not because it completes you, but because you have let yourself need someone. You are vulnerable. You’ve made space in your life for the connection.  We can sit side by side and be partners, but mates are intertwined and connected.

You are allowing that person to be a part of your heart and soul. It is a huge responsibility and honor. When you get married, you are not independent. Your finances, bodies, relationships, time, everything is intertwined.

This is terrifying and many people end up mating with someone who does not hold up their end of the bargain to be Grateful, Interested, Affectionate, and Forgiving.  Right now, if you are in a relationship and you are doing these things and they are not… it hurts. It hurts because your soul wants a mate and doesn’t have one right now. We all want the connection of mutually being in the moment together.  It’s ok that it hurts; it means it matters. Your soul wants a mate.

Let your spouse matter to you and take the risk. Talk about this with them. Talk about how you could cultivate gratitude, interest, affection and forgiveness.  And don’t forget to LOOK at each other and TOUCH each other like you LIKE touching – her soul is in that body…his soul is in that body.   

You can have that soulmate experience.  True love frustrates us because we will always live in the tension between our ideals and our realities, this does not mean we stop trying…this just means we learn to laugh and forgive and kiss even when it’s hard.

Stop searching for a soulmate and start acting like one.

1000strands.com | Photography by Kelly Brown

Photography by Kelly Brown

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