Category Archives: Uncategorized

Sex is like a soufflé

Posted on by Nicole

http://www.zencancook.com

http://www.zencancook.com

Sex is like a souffle. A souffle is complicated and unique. It is difficult to get it to finish well. It takes preparation and forethought. You cannot be distracted or have your mind on something else while you are cooking a souffle. Use just the right ingredients at just the right temperatures. Beat and whip, but not too much. Fold and test until everything is perfect.  Practice. Know your oven and test the temperature. Keep trying. It’s worth it – for the enjoyment, taste, and accomplishment.

You are not a hot pocket.

You are a souffle.

http://scienceblogs.com/startswithabang/2009/05/20/the-physics-of-hot-pockets/

http://scienceblogs.com/startswithabang/2009/05/20/the-physics-of-hot-pockets/

Your body is not a package of fake meat and cheese (even if it feels like it some days) that you throw in a microwave oven, and it’s done in 3 minutes.  You are a souffle that takes time and practice and love to prepare. You don’t make a souffle because you are hungry right now. You make a souffle for the love of cooking something special.

 

If you are treating sex like a hot pocket meal, you are not doing it right.

People treat sex like “I wanna do it and you should wanna do it with me too”… “I have this need and I am gonna use you to fill it”… “Hungry. Need hot pocket.” 

Instead of treating sex like the deepest, sweetest, most liberating and fun conversation EVER.  If we spent time preparing ourselves and each other FOR each other, we would have a much better meal.  We wonder why we don’t want to have sex… but it is because we think it is a 3 minute heat up and BAM we are aroused and then orgasm and then done.  That’s just not how it was made to be – believe it or not.

 

We put more care into preparing a presentation at work or an outfit for an interview than we do for sex.

We put more care into thinking through why someone did or did not call us back than we do for sex.

We put more care and consideration into the paint color on the wall than we do for sex.

We put more care and heart into a conversation with a friend than we do for sex.

 

And then we wonder why we don’t want to have sex.

 

Why are some things worth the work and other things not??  Usually because we don’t understand what we will get out of the other things. We know what we can get out of a good job interview or a great color on our walls or a conversation with a friend.  But, honestly, what will you get out of sex except a little friction and connection and a few guilt-free days after…??

So so so so so much more. There is a wealth of love, depth, and pleasure that our bodies are made for and we have ignored out of fear and confusion.  There is a conversation full of nuance and care, adventure and learning, that we can have with our bodies – if we are willing to go at the right pace and with good preparation.

You are a souffle. You are meant to be enjoyed and savored, folded, kneeded, and delighted over.

If you are thinking you are a hot pocket (or being treated like one) of course you don’t want to have sex. If you put the ingredients for a souffle in the microwave, that would not turn out delicious. You would still be hungry.

Take the time to learn how to prepare yourself and your spouse. Take the time to learn your own favorite ingredients and JUST how to fold, kneed, and heat.  Actually finishing the meal is just punctuation at the end of a sentence you’ve been writing all along.

Rebel against the must-get-it-done push in our lives and go slow. Ask questions.  You CAN learn to enjoy your own body – married or not. Your body is not just utilitarian – it is beautiful, graceful, delightful, strong, receptive.  

 

((Full disclosure, I don’t love women-as-food metaphors… so forgive me if it offends your value as a woman. I just believe we forget the kind of preparation we are willing to put into other things because we don’t understand the goodness of sex.  You are way more than a souffle, Sister. ))

When the First Bud Blooms

Posted on by Nicole

 

Today is Anais Nin’s 111th Birthday. Let’s celebrate with some of her revolutionary words about living
a hot, free, brave, beautiful life!

 

*****

“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.”

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“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

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“How wrong is it for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself?”

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“There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way of the imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don’t work.”

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“You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too. No, I think there was too rigid a pattern. You came out of an education and are supposed to know your vocation. Your vocation is fixed, and maybe ten years later you find you are not a teacher anymore or you’re not a painter anymore. It may happen. It has happened. I mean Gauguin decided at a certain point he wasn’t a banker anymore; he was a painter. And so he walked away from banking. I think we have a right to change course. But society is the one that keeps demanding that we fit in and not disturb things. They would like you to fit in right away so that things work now.”

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“I believe one writes because one has to create a world in which one can live.”

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“When one is pretending, the entire body revolts.”

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“I’m awaiting a lover. I have to be rent and pulled apart and live according to the demons and the imagination in me. I’m restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again.”

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“It is the function of art to renew our perception. What we are familiar with we cease to see. The writer shakes up the familiar scene, and, as if by magic, we see a new meaning in it.”

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“Life shrinks or expands according to one’s courage.”

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“Don’t let one cloud obliterate the whole sky.”

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“Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself.”

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“The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.”

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“I don’t really want to become normal, average, standard. I want merely to gain in strength, in the courage to live out my life more fully, enjoy more, experience more. I want to develop even more original and more unconventional traits.”

*****

 

 

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RESOURCES to find your bloom:

LOVE AND MAKING IT & BABES IN GODLAND

BE: Life and the Rest of It and STORY 101

(BE and Story 101 are “Buy one / Get one” until March 2 – go here to get BOTH)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never Been More Satisfied

Posted on by Nicole

Love and Making It – the eCourse currently at full speed – is changing my life more than I thought possible because it is changing the lives of the women who took a giant step of bravery and signed up.  We are asking hard questions and connecting with our spouses. We are cheering for each other, praying for each other, and laughing HARD with each other. Most of all, though, people are finding hope.

“My husband has never felt so loved and frankly I have never been more satisfied.”

“The very thing that has caused so much pain and fear could be the method by which those wounds are healed. whoa.”

(And that is just a couple comments. I am floored by the amazing things happening in this course.)

Thank you to everyone who has expressed interest in taking the next course AND to the single women who have told me I MUST include them next time… AS YOU WISH.

LOVE AND MAKING IT – a course on feeling brave and beautiful {in bed} will start another round in the spring. (Read about it here and here)

BABES IN GODLAND – a course on feeling brave and beautiful {in your body}.  We will focus on feeling alive, well-made, beautiful, and sensual regardless of relationship status.

There are so many messages we have learned about what “sexy” is and how we are supposed to act as women and as people pursuing the mysteries of God.  These classes are a call to freedom and healing for our WHOLE selves.

*****

“I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.” – Pablo Neruda

I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” Song of Solomon 5:2

*****

Interested in an eCourse? Sign up for more information

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Are you a Red Panda or a Firefox?

Posted on by Nicole
Red Panda Picture

photo from (http://lookw.ru/eda/106-koaly-i-krasnye-pandy-46-oboev.html)

 

Do you know what this animal is called?

The scientific name: Ailurus fulgens

 

red_panda

In most zoos these animals are labelled as “Red Panda” or “Cat-Bear”.

Red Panda… this name conjures up certain images in our heads.  Images of cuddles and fur, cuteness and sweetness, like the best pet you will never have.  You’d definitely offer to hug a Red Panda.  I’d build a tree in my bedroom just to have Red Pandas sleep on it all day.

 

 

http://lookw.ru/eda/106-koaly-i-krasnye-pandy-46-oboev.html

http://lookw.ru/eda/106-koaly-i-krasnye-pandy-46-oboev.html

 

Red Panda

Cute, Cuddly, Sweet, Safe

*****

Names matter.  What we label something gives it meaning and subtext.  It changes how we treat it.  Language is subconsciously very powerful.

 

This animal has another name: Firefox

 

Photo from http://lookw.ru/eda/106-koaly-i-krasnye-pandy-46-oboev.html

Photo from http://lookw.ru/eda/106-koaly-i-krasnye-pandy-46-oboev.html

Now that’s an animal worth closer attention.  A Firefox is handsome, beautiful, mysterious. You respect a Firefox.  You do not own a firefox; she allows you into her presence.

Firefox

Brave, Mysterious, Beautiful, Wild

 *****

 

Are you a Red Panda or a Firefox?

You get to choose. The world does not get to decide for you who you are.  This crazy zoo may call you a Red Panda, but you know in your soul you are a Firefox – and a Firefox does not give a damn what anyone else thinks.  

Note: Jeff Corwin taught me that scientists have tried to categorize these animals into a larger group, but they defy categorization. They are not raccoons, cats, or bears. They are their own category.  You can be your own category. You do not have to fit into the box others have assigned to you.  People will try to fit you into something they know how to handle. Don’t worry about them. Just keep being your own foxy self.

 

Be the kind of parent you want to be.

Be the kind of spouse you want to be.

Be the kind of human you want to be.

Be the kind of beauty you want to be.

Be the kind of lover you want to be.

 

Firefox Art

 

 *****

 

 

Please Forgive Me

Posted on by Nicole

I need to ask my body for forgiveness.

 

As I finalize the plan for our “Love and Making It” course, I’ve been more aware of my body. I’ve noticed that I tend to see my body as separate from “me”. There’s ME and then there’s this body I am inside that has been connected to ME by nerves and ligaments, like I am in a sci-fi movie and have been assigned this body. Do you think of yourself in pieces like that ever? Is your body YOU or a separated part that you observe from outside sometimes?

I think it’s normal to acknowledge our different elements: body, emotions, ego, mind, spirit, soul – whatever you name them.

The problem comes when we start hating one of our own pieces.

I need to ask my body for forgiveness. I’ve been divided and cruel to that piece of me.  (You can read some of my story here.) Sometimes it is our own divided selves that need forgiveness and reconciliation.  We cannot go on living with hate inside us and expect the rest of our lives to be full of love and passion.

Being kissed is way better when you are fully connected to your body,
like it is yours and it is good and it should be kissed.

 

I cannot receive love through a body that I hate.

And I have hated in the past. So, here goes. I am asking for forgiveness.

 

*****

Dearest,

Will you please forgive me for not loving you? I have not loved you.

I have used you. I have hurt you.

I am sorry.

I was so disappointed in you that I could not love you. And that was weak of me. And so selfish.

My brain, my ego, wanted you as a trophy to trot around at parties and in fancy clothes. My ego wanted to show you off. I needed a Beauty to reflect my power. I was using you. And when you couldn’t pass as a trophy, I hated you. I wanted a divorce. I wanted a new life without you, but we were stuck – you and I – and rather than learning to love the real you, I just resented you. I withheld love to punish you.

Why couldn’t you just be beautiful? Athletic. Graceful. Healthy. Attractive. Why couldn’t you do that for me? That would have been so much easier.

When someone else wanted to love you or touch you, I allowed it; sometimes I pushed you into it, but I hardly ever participated. Their hands touched you, but never me. I watched. I judged that other person for finding you attractive. I told you they were lying about finding you beautiful. I told you they were using you too; I thought they were. And you believed me too.

Will you please forgive me? I am realizing slowly just how wrong I was. Will you be patient with me as I learn?

Please forgive me. I cannot live without you. I do not want to live dead lives alongside each other. I want to live totally connected, united, healthy, excited to spend another day together.

I am learning to be grateful for you – the real you, but first I must ask your forgiveness.

My dearest, soft, warm, Body …. Will you please forgive me?

I must confess, I wrote you off. I decided long ago that you were the weakest link in “me”.  I would focus on my strengths and play up my best features: My imagination is gorgeous. My laugh is pure joy. My words are wise. My perspective is flexible and empathetic. My humor is just the right amount of dirty.

These are some of my strengths. They make me a great member of society, a good person to have around. Alive. These make me feel alive.

And I have used them all to escape you whenever possible.

Body, you have felt like a prison.

I have dreamed of escaping you. Escaping into another body or just no body at all. You. With your asymmetrical spine and tiny height. With the parts that hurt and will not behave. I wanted out.

The only way I can be touched is through you, and you feel wrong. I want to be loved through skin that is smooth and tight and shaped just how I like – I want to be touched through a body that feels graceful and functional, without pain or embarrassment.

I want things you cannot give me and I have hated you for it.

I. Am. So. Sorry.

I am ready to learn to love the real you.  Will please forgive me?

I choose You.

I Choose you.

I CHOOSE YOU.

 

Will you be mine?

I vow to love you every single day of our lives. I will be proud of you and boast about you. I will take care of you, protect you and let you protect me. I will learn to love the real you, just as you are. I will find my worth in the breaths I take and the courage I muster each day – not in the shape of your legs…..

Until the day that I DO find pride in the actual shape of your legs! Yes!

These legs. This breath. This hair. These hands. This smile. This age. This day. Today. Tomorrow too.

I am grateful and proud of your strength and your beauty. This shape. This moment. You are precious and miraculous.  You are mine and you are good.

I love you.

*****

My ego and psyche needed to ask my body for forgiveness. Do you? What do you need to ask the sweet animal of your body to forgive you for?

1000strands.com I forgive (pic 12)

**This Beautiful picture is on Etsy from Kathryn Nee**

Own Something Beautiful

Posted on by Nicole

Beautiful.

I fought that word. Beautiful. We wrestled and she broke open. Her guts spilling everywhere. I never meant to break her, I just wanted to own her. Own something beautiful.

Breaking Beautiful turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. God is like that. He takes the broken things and says, “Now that’s better.” At the age of 30, I finally broke open my idea of how Beautiful was allowed to look and be.  And now Beautiful is everywhere, spilling all over, even in me.  When I stopped trying to own her, Beautiful was mine.

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A woman of strength and tenacity, Bethany Paget, offered me a place to share my story – A place to show my work on how I finally reached the answer that I am ALL GOOD.

Come, read the rest of it here. 

 

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Our bodies are sacred. God uses them AS THEY ARE to make the world more beautiful. If you are married or in a committed relationship and want a different way to approach sex and your body, check out my ecourse starting February 1st.

Birthday Suit

Posted on by Nicole

You are a masterpiece, my friend.
Body and Soul. Even in your birthday suit.

It’s my birthday so I get to say whatever I want. You are a masterpiece.

“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

    you formed me in my mother’s womb.

I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!

    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

    I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

    you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

    before I’d even lived one day.”

-Psalm 139

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Now, if you haven’t already, sign up to to spend February with me in my
Love and Making It course.

New eCourse for Valentine’s Day

Posted on by Nicole

Love and Making It: Valentine’s Day Edition

An online course in feeling more beautiful and brave {in bed}

*****

CLASS IS NOW CLOSED. A NEW CLASS WILL START IN THE SPRING. EMAIL 1000STRANDS@GMAIL.COM FOR MORE INFORMATION.

Love and Making It – Valentine’s Day Edition
28 Days to more Beauty and Freedom {in bed}


Then, don’t forget to email 1000strands@gmail.com
to let me know you are in!

*****

 

We think we have to love our bodies in order to really enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?

What if our marriage {bed} could be the place where we bring our whole selves, without fear or pretense, to experience freedom, fun, excitement, healing, passion, and beauty… LIFE to the Fullest?

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

 

After talking with hundreds of women about this topic (online, in small groups, around dinner tables, in secret FB groups, and even on stage) I can tell you without a doubt that women, especially Christian women, are not at home in their bodies and not enjoying sex the way we could. I bet that doesn’t surprise you. We know we are not happy in our bodies. We know we drag ourselves to “business time” kinds of love making. We adore our husbands, but sex is just… complicated.

We go into the nights of our marriages with a familiar conversation between ourselves and our spouses… sometimes these happen out loud with the actual husband… sometimes they are all in our minds.

“Hello, I am me. The me that you married.  Still me. I didn’t magically grow breasts or lose weight since last time we met here.”

“Hello, I know. I like you.”

“I’m all you’ve got, I suppose. Wanna have sex? I hear you like sex because, you know, you are a male. And I’m your only option. Sorry about that. Here. Here’s my body. Let’s do something with it, but I’m tired so please don’t take too long. And please ignore the ugly parts so you can get turned on and I can feel like a good wife. Ok? Bring the lubricant.”

There’s so much more for us! It does not have to stay that way! It can get so much better! Mind-blowingly better.

Join me for 28 days of support, counseling, laughs, hands-on activities, and soul-searching. In the end, you will feel more convinced than ever (maybe even for the first time) that YOUR BODY is BEAUTIFUL and the link between your body and your soul is much stronger than you knew.

Beautiful in Bed Question

You get to create your own world where YOU are the definition of beautiful. YOU are the definition of sexy. Your spouse is the definition of sexy! You are not his consolation prize. You are spectacular.

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This February, choose love for yourself and for your spouse. Come, spend a month with us as we learn to love this body and love with this body. It’s time to come alive {in bed}

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Love and Making It is designed to:

*Help identify what keeps us from enjoying sex

*Inspire us to excavate our desires and passions

*Free us from the lies we believe about our beauty and worth

*Give us tools and practices to help us find our BRAVE in bed

*Tattoo truths on our hearts so we never again forget how BEAUTIFUL we are

*extra bonus: Your husband will be very, very, very grateful and happy.

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WHEN: February 1-28, 2014

WHAT: Daily inspiration and prompts from Nicole. A specifically designed, confidential FB group for community and support. Three group video conference calls with everyone who can make it, designed to encourage and challenge.  One heart-to-heart with just Nicole.

WHO: Married women will get the most out of this course, but all are welcome.

PRICE: $28, Honesty, a Sense of Humor, CONFIDENTIALITY (there are 2 scholarships available for the money. No one can give you humor or integrity)

28 days – designed to provide a new freedom and beauty {in bed} for $28

(CLASS IS NOW CLOSED. A NEW CLASS WILL START IN THE SPRING. EMAIL 1000STRANDS@GMAIL.COM FOR MORE INFORMATION.)

HERE’S HOW TO SIGN UP:

1. Pay through Paypal.




 

2. Send me an email at 1000strands@gmail.com letting me know you paid and MOST IMPORTANTLY with the email address you use on Facebook so I can find you and add you to the group.

Once you sign up, you will soon receive a welcome email from me and an invitation to the secret FB group that will start to heat up on January 31st. Be sure to send me an email at 1000strands@gmail.com with your name and Facebook email address.

I will close the sign ups on February 1st or when we reach our maximum.  I want to know each woman and talk to every one of you one-on-one so the class will be limited. SIGN UP TODAY!

Any questions? Email Nicole at 1000strands@gmail.com

**Plus! Because of a generous donor, we have 2 scholarships so please email me if you’re stuck in a really rough patch. (1000strands@gmail.com subject line “Love and Making It Scholarship)

Love-and-Making-it-ecourse1

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

Posted on by Nicole

Through the first season of Love and Making it, I discovered one important thing and it is this… most Christian women do not fully enjoy having sex.  Whether it’s our body image, past purity lessons, exhaustion, cultural messages, or a plethora of other issues, we have a hard time enjoying our sex lives to the fullest.

This is an immediate problem and one we need to address. Not only for our husbands but for our own lives.  Don’t give up on your body being and feeling GOOD. Everything God makes is good. He said so.  SIGN UP FOR THE NEW eCOURSE Starting February 1st!  GO HERE.

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What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

 

We think we have to love our bodies in order to enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?

 

What if sex was a way to care for your body instead of a way of demanding something from it?

No matter how you spend your day feeling – beautiful or terrible – about your body, you CAN let sex be a building up and not a stripping away of your self worth. 

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

We have it in our heads that we are supposed to be something specific before we can be sexy. We have it in our heads that we are supposed to feel a certain way before we can have great sex. This is only true as long as you believe it. The miraculous thing about a marriage and about the relationship between a loving and little-bit-brave couple, is that there really are no set rules.

You get to create your own world where YOU are the definition of beautiful. YOU are the definition of sexy. Your spouse is the definition of sexy too!  This is your game and no one can disqualify you from playing to the very end.

Do not let the rules of the fickle world define your marriage {bed}.

Sometimes we go into the nights of our marriages with a familiar conversation in our heads between ourselves and our spouses… sometimes these happen out loud with the actual husband… sometimes they are all in our minds.

“Hello, I am me. The me that you married.  Still me. I didn’t magically grow breasts or lose weight since last time we met here.”

“Hello, I know. I like you.”

“I’m all you’ve got, I suppose. Wanna have sex? I hear you like sex because, you know, you are a male. And I’m your only option. Sorry about that. Here. Here’s my body. Let’s do something with it, but I’m tired so please don’t take too long. And please ignore the ugly parts so you can get turned on and I can feel like a good wife. Ok? Bring the lubricant.”

It’s depressing.

It doesn’t have to be like this. It doesn’t.

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

You are not his consolation prize. You are spectacular. And I bet your husband knows it way better than you do. You can’t see your light and your beauty, but he can. He doesn’t want to have sex with you because he has no choice and you are his only relief from the need.  He wants to have sex with you because sex with you is like the best thing ever.

LISTEN… I did not say that sex is the best thing ever. I am assuming you are not married to a 15-year-old boy from Superbad.

Sex with YOU, is the best thing ever.

Imagine how you feel when you have a conversation where the other person really GETS you. You laugh til your face hurts. You create inside jokes. You admit a deep fear and they totally understand – they admit their own fear and you cry a moment together. At the end of the night, it feels like no time and an infinite time have gone by and your soul is at rest.

This is sex for your husband. And it can be for us too.

It can be a place of knowing and healing – like a great conversation. You come to it when you feel sad or happy, brave or shy, beautiful or ugly. You come to your marriage bed {which doesn’t have to be a bed} as yourself and you have the “conversation” with him. Some days it can be wild and fun. Some days it can be careful and healing. But we have to stop prejudging what sex is supposed to be like or we will never have any kind of sex but the obligatory kind. And that just sucks. Who wants that life?

We have to be willing to come to it as we are, with no qualifications except commitment and love. You are allowed to be loved like this.  <<<<<Bold, Italic, Underline.

You are allowed to be free and honest EVEN while making love.

What if the next time you have a headache, you said, “Honey, I have a headache, can we please have sex tonight?”  (Imagine!)

What if having a headache meant it was a good time to have sex?

 

What if sex was allowed to be as relaxing as a massage?

What if sex was allowed to be as invigorating as spin class?

What if sex was allowed to surprise you?

What if it could be whatever you needed like a great conversation with your best friend?

What if you were allowed to be loved just as you are in bed?

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

I’m just saying, you probably have rules about what making love is “supposed” to be like that maybe it’s time to question, because if you are married, this will always be a thing.

 Beautiful in Bed Question

 Beautiful in bed answer

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I do not write from a place of all-knowing, either. I am just a girl who struggles hard with beauty and expectations. I always, always preach to myself.  I’ve been through injuries and depression and I’ve seen my marriage bed be a major place of care and fun and healing in the midst of all my “stuff” over the last five years {married for 14 years but the last 5 have demanded I look my fears and desires in the eyes} – and I want the same for your marriage too.

It is a month until Valentine’s Day – second only to your husband’s birthday as the day great sex is “supposed” to happen. Forget the “supposed to”!!!  For me, the best way to work through expectations, and a build-up like Valentine’s Day, is to get a jump start on them. So, this month we are going to start talking about LOVE and MAKING IT again so that by the time Valentine’s Day actually gets here, you’ve had so much fun with your spouse that it’ll just be one day in a sea of awesome days in bed together.  And in the long run, I hope you never feel obligated to have sex again.  Do it for you not just for him! After this month, sex will move from the “For Him” column and into the “For Us” or even the “For Me” column – because once we start looking at sex as something for us too, it will be way more fun.

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I’m starting a 28 day online group and ecourse on February 1st –  where we can talk safely, confidentially, and openly about how to have more freedom and fun in {bed}.

SIGN UPS ARE NOW LIVE: Go HERE for the Class Info Page.

ALSO….
Obviously, there are a couple filters to read these Love and Making It posts through: I am married. I am female. I am straight. I believe in Jesus. These characteristics define the things I know and my experiences, but they do not mean I want to exclude other voices from this conversation.  Please always feel free to comment below or email me if you want to keep it between us.

 

Never Been Kissed

Posted on by Nicole

Advent. We wait. We wait for God to come down here and be with us. Just hurry up and be with us.

Yesterday, I felt it, that dull discomfort of waiting for things to be RIGHT – To feel God with me and to feel Him making all things comes together for Good.  I wanted it, bad.  

This incredible waiting that is called LIFE drives some of us mad.  We get short burst of fun, joy, beauty, and meaning and then we wait again. This incredible waiting, like watching intermittent shooting stars when what we really need is dawn.

We wait for heaven and the Light of the World to come.  Heaven will not just be for our souls. Heaven involves our bodies too.  This is the gift of making love.  

God, your kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven – not just in our hearts but in our bodies too.

In honor of Advent and Love and Making It coming together this week, today we have the gift of reading a personal essay from a woman who has never been kissed and is beginning to let herself feel the desire and hope of what will come someday.  May all our waiting and longing be this vulnerable and brave.

-Nicole

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I dreamed a few months ago that I had my first kiss.

Yes, I’m 25 and I’ve never been kissed – or even been on an official date. I was a little too “mature” (and obnoxious) in high school to stoop to “chasing boys,” and I was a little too driven in college to take time out for life. Which is strange, really. I’ve always wanted the support of a relationship and the chance to build a life with another person and love them unconditionally. I want the deep friendship of shared experience and ideas and the knowing of each other that comes from that. I want to explore the world of sensuality and romance in a healthy way, which I haven’t always. Other things have just gotten in the way.

It doesn’t take a significant other to experience growth, of course. Sometimes that can even inhibit it. I’ve grown more in these last two years at home dealing with chronic fatigue than I think I have my whole life. I’m learning to make space for myself, and that I have a right to take up room in the world. I’m learning to let go of other peoples’ burdens and pick up my own oxygen mask first in a crisis. I’m learning to lean in, to stand my ground, to experience life ready to fall and fail and make mistakes and then get right back up again.

I think it’s appropriate that my dream took place at some kind of fancy dinner. I’ve discovered a deep love for food and cooking since I’ve been home. I even remember what I was eating in the dream – it was some kind of deconstructed gourmet s’more with a white chocolate mousse and graham cracker crumbles served in a martini glass. Which actually sounds delicious.

It’s also appropriate that in my dream, I spilled some on my shirt. I’m kind of a messy person, a fact I’ve hated my whole life. I bump into things and fall up the stairs. I spill things all the time and have never managed to keep my room clean. I have big curly hair that goes frizzy in the rain. As much as I’ve always wanted to be sleek and svelte, I’m learning that I’m really a flannel pajamas and fuzzy socks kind of girl. And that I’m beautiful, curly hair and all.

So, laughingly, I tried to wipe the spill off my shirt, standing by the table. My date laughed too, kindly. He put water on a napkin and helped me clean up the mess.

We were standing close then, of course, and when I noticed I felt the urge to back away. Not because I was afraid of him, but because I had heard what happens when people stand too close. Because it’s the reflex I’d developed overseas to protect myself and maintain purity and propriety. Because I wouldn’t want to send mixed signals or be rejected or make someone else uncomfortable go too far or do any of the dozen other things I’ve been warned about. There are no guarantees when you let people get too close.

But this time, I stood my ground instead. I chose to take up my own space and let someone else move out of the way, for a change, if this wasn’t what they wanted.

I looked up at him – he was definitely taller than me – and closed my eyes.

He leaned down and we kissed. My heart beat fast.

Then he put his arm around me and walked with me to a quiet corner, a bench where we could sit together and just be.

There was no rejection, only welcome. Only peace. Only the comfort of knowing I was home.

I don’t expect my real first kiss to be quite this revelatory, necessarily. But now, I think I’m finally ready to find out.

 

 

Songbird

Ellie Ava:  I’m a storyteller, an explorer, and an avid fan of all things science… especially when it’s fiction. After many years of exploring new cultures and perspectives in Europe, I’m back in the USA taking time to discover the things bubbling up in my own heart and mind. I blog about life at ellieava.tumblr.com.