Day 1: How to have good sex? = Think about sex.

I don’t mean just “think about sex” like a soda erupting; shaking it up and then shooting sticky thoughts all over the place. (Those cans are small but they manage to cover everything when they explode. The same goes for sexual thoughts.)  No, no. I mean, think about sex in very specific ways: disciplined, new, brave ways.

First of all:

Who do you want to want to have sex with? (this is not a typo)

Who do you want to want to have sex with?  You may not want to have sex at all, especially if you do not like your own self (more on that soon). You may not want to have sex if you are angry with the person you’ve agreed to have sex with otherwise OR You may want to have sex with an inappropriate person.

Who do you need to start focusing your passionate + positive mental attention on?


Try This:

Name them. Write their name down in your own handwriting. Take time to form each letter. Imagine each letter as a part of them {their person + body} that you notice and trace.

Take the name of your spouse or beloved or even yourself and write it down.

This will move the image of them in your mind…  the thought of their existence, their soul, your history together… from your mind to your hand. Write their name in the physical world.

Notice how the thoughts in your head can connect to the actions of your body.  Notice how the movements can change and go fast or slow, hard or soft.  How did you write it? How could you write it differently a second time?  What if you wrote their name on your skin or asked them to write a meaningful word on you?


There are so many things stuck to our skin {especially women}: thoughts and expectations and hurts… really, anything negative seems to stick like superglue and the positive things in life just slide right off. Women walk around the world with so many words on their skin, and usually those words are full of disappointment.

She comes to a moment in the night {or day} when all the stars have aligned and sex is about to happen … most likely… and as he reaches his hands to touch her skin, it’s not really her skin he makes contact with.  I mean, it’s her skin – but not the layer of her that connects to her soul.

There’s this tough, invisible layer of self-hatred and frustrations about life that covers almost every inch of our skin. This layer is impenetrable some days.  On those days, you may still have sex, but you don’t have sex that makes loving connections because you can’t touch each others’ vulnerable layers.


So, where do we even start?  What do we do?

When your body feels like a disappointment and just a hand on your stomach or breast makes you flinch away?

When every dish you wash or sock you pick up is like angry armor you put on your skin that keeps you away from the person you want to love?

When your body has never had healthy pleasure just for pleasure’s sake and you have no idea where to start?

When you love your spouse, but you just do not like having sex?


We will get to all of that hard stuff, but I know it helps me to start back at the beginning.  When it all feels overwhelming or confusing or frustrating, I sit down and start over. I let my brain and the rest of my body reconnect in a simple way. Try this exercise:


Start here.

Make time to think about the one you love… in detail. Write their name. Write it a few times; write it like you are 14-years-old and falling in love. Feel each movement without judgment of “how” you are writing it (you perfectionist!).  Notice pressure and speed. Pray love into each specific part of their body as you write each specific letter of their name. Be present to how love can move from your brain to your fingers.

This is just the beginning.




Photos by Jennifer Upton

Want to see more great pictures of life through the lens of beauty and attention?