How to keep a marriage

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Nicole

What lights a relationship on fire? What keeps it going after fifteen years?

What sets butterflies to flight in your stomach when your eyes make contact?

What keeps your bodies magnetized so that the pull towards each other never weakens?

The obvious answer is mutual attraction, but what is that exactly? How do we stay mutually attracted? What’s the answer to “How to keep a marriage magnetized?”

People are not permanent magnets. We do not just naturally hold onto our charge in a relationship. We must keep electricity running through us so we can keep our magnetism pulling us together.

An electromagnet is made from a coil of wire that acts as a magnet when an electric current passes through it but stops being a magnet when the current stops.

At first it seems like our relationship is more like permanent magnets than electromagnets. We are pulled together without even trying. The attraction just seems to happen and we accept it as fact, but there is a vital element available in a new attraction that wears off over time without an intentional electric current shooting through your coils.

If you want your coils to stay attracted to his or her coils for years to come, the essential electric thought you must keep flowing through your mind so that your bodies will attract is this:

I’M SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU & YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE ME.

The more time you spend counting the ways your spouse is awesome and how lucky you are to have them, the more humbly grateful you will feel for your relationship. Equally important is the time you spend realizing how awesome you are and how lucky they are to have you, because this gives you confidence.

HUMILITY + CONFIDENCE = CHEMISTRY

We are attracted to people that we admire, who surprise us, but we also need confidence to receive that awesome person’s love in return.

There is nothing like thinking your spouse is spectacular and YOU get to be married to them… and then having them think that about you.

Believing yourselves to be lucky to have each other builds in just enough “seize the moment” motivation to keep the attraction alive. Luck brings gratitude in it’s back pocket.

This keeps that little flicker of tension and wonder between you.

Do not let jealousy, or the attentions of someone else, be the electricity that remagnetizes you. It’s easy to let passion fade and take our partners for granted… until someone else notices how great they are and we are suddenly lit up with jealousy.

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Imagine that your spouse is your high school crush… the overwhelming joy that came when their arm touched your arm, when they asked what the homework was in Trig and you couldn’t believe your luck, when they smiled at you across a room and you’d never felt more alive…

Sown into those moments was gratitude and massive admiration of that Crush… plus a focus on every single minute detail of your interactions. You wanted more.

Why do we take for granted that the person we crushed on at some point in our lives, now wakes up beside us?

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See that person you married, sitting at their computer scrolling through Facebook? Imagine that you’ve had a crush on them for months and suddenly they are in your house… but this time, you are not some shy, scared high schooler… sure, you are scared because we are always a little frightened to go after what we really want… but now, you know you are crush-worthy too and kissing you is hot. After you read this sentence, you walk over and put your hand on their neck like you can’t believe you GET to. You look them in the eyes like an 80’s hearthrob just long enough to let them know you want them… and then you lean over and kiss, full on the mouth. And this kiss is pure, unbelievable luck: two awesome people finding each other and never letting go… every single day.

This is magnetic.

With my body I thee worship

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Nicole

I closed my eyes and spoke to you in 100 silent ways. – Rumi

Using sex as a way to temporarily satiate a craving is like gulping a fine wine or perfectly-aged scotch to quench your thirst, and then wondering why you are still thirsty and your throat has started burning.

When we are quiet and settled, we notice the profound stirrings simple physical touches wake in us: fingers intertwined, lips kissing the inside of a wrist, the bump of a fist, a hug.

When we move too quickly and desperately, we grab and suck whatever we can to calm our nerves and queasy stomachs.

We were made for more and we know it.

You were made to worship and be worshipped because of the infinite beauty and glory in you. The fast, shallow or chaotic moments most of us experience are not the way we were designed to know each other.

The original Old English marriage vows in the Common Book of Prayer…

“With this ring, I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship…”

Old English Definition of Worship: Giving honor and admiration; acknowledging worth… worth-ship.

This is not sacrilege, this is sacred. Sex is sacred – spending time on the utter appreciation of one child of God

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In making love to your spouse, are you communicating their worth, to you and to God? Are you taking in each inch of them the way you would your absolute favorite “thing” in the world? After sex with you, does your spouse feel more connected to God and more themselves in their perfectly created “naked” and “shameless” form?

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I love Degas paintings. I could pour over one; seeing the brush strokes and colors… think about what it must have been like in the room as each swash of pain hit the canvas and the images emerged.

I love great music. I could listen to a song over and over, hearing different notes and inflections of sound.

I love swimming and watching great swimmers compete. I watch the water move over their strong shoulders and the small but powerful waves forming behind each kick.

I love my husband. I could pour over every inch of him.

I love my husband. I could listen to him talk or whisper or laugh over and over again.

I love my husband. I watch him move and savor the waves his actions send around me.

When you come together with your spouse, do you use your body to its fullest capacity to speak worth and love to them? What could you start doing today to express how much worth you see in them?

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Whether you are married or not, your body is worthy of love and detailed enjoyment. We run, work, chomp some food, clean the bathroom, lug groceries, and 1,000 other things each day … but we hardly ever stop to notice our bodies unless it is to criticize them for something. We do a terrible job of loving our bodies.

For a marriage, it is vitally important for both partners to worship themselves and each other… to see worth in the beautiful creation God made them to be. We do not worship any created thing more than God. We do not give more “worth” to any created thing than the worth due the Creator… but we know that God makes good things. You are good. Every wrinkle. Every freckle. The way you smile when surprised. The way you look when you hear your favorite song… do you not think God is giddy over every single thing you do?

When we are not married…even when we are married and our spouses just don’t SEE us, we can see ourselves. We can marvel at the wiggle of our toes or the way the lines curve around hips and thighs. We can appreciate what we have been given.

Beautiful. All Beautiful.

*****

Poem by Tyler Knott Gregson

Tickets to the sex show

Posted on October 6, 2014 by Nicole

As far as I know, you are not having sex so other people can watch.

You do not sell tickets to the sex show in your home.

You are not trying for any awards.

The camera is not panning across your taught abdomen as your spouse’s equally taught abs slowly lower onto you, the light languid but grateful in its luck at caressing your skin.

When you have sex, it is not for an audience.

So, why do we care so much what we look like while having it? Why do we care what other people think? And, are we so wrapped up in doing everything “for show” online that we have forgotten how to let sex be a sacred and intimate place worthwhile even in its secrecy?

Let’s discuss…

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First of all:

We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love on screens that our own experiences are often “watched” inside our own mind’s eye rather than experienced with our whole selves…with all of our senses. We are outside the actual experience.

What if we focused our attention back to the present moment? How does this feel, smell, taste? What is each part of my body experiencing right now? What am I loving? How would I describe this sensation or moment?

It absolutely DOES NOT matter what anyone {no audience, ex, or imaginary judge} would think of how you look or perform during sex.

The only thing that matters is the connection between you and your partner.

What would change if we believed that?

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Second of all:

We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love that our own bodies are measured against templates they were not meant to be measured by.

Learn to enjoy yourself and your spouse – as you are. People like to say things like “we are held to an impossible beauty ideal.” It’s an impossible ideal NOT BECAUSE IT IS BETTER THAN YOU but because it does not apply to you. Ideals of taste are entirely subjective and arbitrary. Make your OWN ideals based on your own life.

The most beautiful and ripe pineapple would appear to be a terribly strange apple – if it was trying to be an apple. Be the ripe, glorious, juicy version of YOURSELF. Your body is unique and worthy of honor {as it is} … not just honor, but hot, passionate, confident sex too.

By the time you were 12, you surely had plenty of movies and TV {and misguided friends} teach you that only SOME people deserve to have great sex or be proud enough of their bodies {and their existence} to kiss and be happy and naked. We learn this quickly as we notice how “fat” or “ugly” people are ridiculed for doing things they enjoy, let alone kissing anyone. We would rather die than feel the shame of being ridiculed like that.

Pay attention to when you are believing lies about your own worth. Pay attention to when you have slid into believing yourself too “fat” or “ugly” to enjoy your own body. It is a lie.

It does not matter what the world would say about how you and your spouse look while having sex. The only thing that matters is the connection between you.

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Third of all:

We are so accustomed to taking other people’s advice about sex that we have lost contact with our own intuition and personal pleasures. Block out your friends, your church, whatever porn you’ve seen… and really be with only your partner.

One of the biggest poisons to great sex is unmet expectations of what sex is “supposed” to be like. What if you both started with a clean slate and enjoyed designing new versions of GREAT sex for YOU?

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Finally:

So, what can we do now?

Stop allowing any kind of audience into your head.
Be alone with your spouse – in body and in mind.

Create an island in your home where the two of you are the epitome of sexy. Maybe it’s just your bedroom. There, you two are naked and you have no shame. You move and breathe for each other alone. You make the rules.

It sounds silly, I know. But perhaps it’s worth feeling a bit silly at first to have years of fantastic, confident, creative, passionate sex. I’m just sayin…

Stop selling tickets to the sex show.

Allow as much PRIVACY in your head and heart as you do in the actual room.

Push up Bra

Posted on October 4, 2014 by Nicole

Has anyone ever accidentally grabbed or brushed against your breasts?

(That is, if you have breasts… if you don’t, have you ever accidentally grabbed or fondled or brushed against someone else’s breasts?)

It’s happened to most everyone at some point or another. You are in some close space and people are moving around. Breasts stick out and hands or arms often accidentally brush against those soft bumpers. The second after it happens, when it registers in everyone’s minds that breasts have been touched, eyes dart up in shock and embarrassment before blinking hard to break the stare. But do not fear, this is not necessarily a moment of awkward embarrassment for both of you.

See: The intimacy of the moment is the direct inverse to the push-up-ness of the bra on said breasts.

Wearing ^^ THIS ^^ is like wearing boob armor. Bump against them all you want, it’s not really ME. The real me is hiding behind inches of padding and water or gel or air.

(That picture is so airbrushed, the bottoms of her pretend breasts are pinched up in the bra. It kind of hurts me.)

That’s the kind of bra to wear to a mosh pit or first date. If someone gets too handsy, you’ll hardly notice.

If the woman is wearing an unlined bra where her breasts actually reach the edges of the cloth and her skin feels the movement of cotton or hands, then it is entirely different. The level of vulnerability goes way up.

More padding = Less vulnerable | Less padding = More vulnerable

How much armor are you wearing?

Can you be touched? We are not just talking about bras, now. How far away is your inner self from the surface of your skin? I call that space between YOU (the part that feels love) and your skin = you Armor.

When you come to bed, how much armor are you wearing? When your Lover’s hands run across your stomach to your chest, how much armor are you wearing? When you kiss goodnight, how much armor are you wearing? When he makes a move and subtly tries to see if his passionate feelings are reciprocated, how much armor are you wearing?

Can you feel it? Can you feel when his words reach out to touch you? Can you feel it when his hands want to caress and affect you?

I do not mean, how padded is your bra? I mean, how padded is the passionate center of your heart?

Are you doing things to make yourself “look better” that are actually separating you from really feeling when your Love touches you?

It could be anything:

It could be an actual push-up bra when you should be naked.
It could be holding your stomach in so much you can’t remember to orgasm.
It could be disconnecting from your skin because your skin isn’t the size you ordered.
It could be layering frustrations and disappointments between you both to punish your spouse for them.
It could be pretending you are fine when you desperately need something.

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We like to throw the word “Embodied” around lately in conversations about health and beauty. People talk about it in all kinds of complicated ways, but it is simple and it is vitally important to great sex.

Get in your body. Be in it.

Let your Lover locate your soul in every inch of your skin. Do not pull back to hide in some dark, safe recess of your inner self. Spread out and fill your skin to the brim so that when you are caressed … YOU are caressed.

Start by noticing the places your soul already feels safe to be. What parts of your body connect with your soul?

Is it your lips? When you are kissed well, does your gut feel loved?

Is it that space near your collarbone where your neck curves up? When lips touch that spot, can your heart feel it?

What parts of your skin are you already in?

Start there.

Then, invite your soul into the other beautiful places and spaces on your body as well.

(Pro tip: All the places and spaces of your body are beautiful.)

This is the best gift you can give yourself and your current or future spouse:
become at home in your body.

Push up bras can be fun & utilitarian, and it makes sense why someone would wear one, but a hand on 2 inches of padding is not the same as a hand on warm, naked skin.

Learn to be at home in your body so you can be intimately loved in it.

In the Biblical Sense

Posted on October 3, 2014 by Nicole

Yada. Yada. Yada.

I’ve got a little sexy etymology for you. Ready?

And Adam knew [yada] Eve, his wife; and she conceived.

Genesis 4:1

Yada is not just a fill-in word like blah-blah-blah. It’s the original nudge-nudge, wink-wink. I “know” him.

Yada Yada Yada.

Ever see that Seinfeld episode where they start using “yada, yada, yada” to fill in the details in a story instead of saying what really happened? George asks if you can “yada, yada, yada” sex… OF COURSE you can “yada, yada, yada” sex.

“What’d you do last night?” “Oh, you know, we had dinner and watched New Girl and yada, yada, yada.”

Actually, “yada, yada, yada” is not really an innuendo or replacement phrase at all. In the old days, this was no polite way to cover details.

This was the actual King James version of: Fornicate, Have Sex, Copulate, Do it, Business Time, Yada.

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Have you ever heard someone use the phrase “I know her in the Biblical sense”?

Did you ever wonder where that came from?

I did. Today. Because I told people to think about sex and now I am thinking about sex and following rabbit trails so we can have good conversations that make all of our lives better… and I thought, “Where does that phrase about ‘knowing someone in the biblical sense’ come from?”

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To know someone “in the Biblical sense” is to have sex with them.

To have sex with someone in the biblical sense is to KNOW them… To YADA them.

Do you see how we have mixed this up a bit in our lives? We’ve taken the “knowing” out of sex. Some of the original language surrounding sex {Hebrew, specifically, here} involved not just bodies bouncing together, but actually knowing another human intimately. Usually, knowing {yada} meant a deep connection tied to an agreement of faithfulness to a promise.

There’s two things I am taking away from this lesson today:

I make a promise every time I have sex. When you yada someone, you make a promise. It is an important statement of faith and love that I make with my whole self.

which brings me to the other takeaway…

Am I bringing my whole self to sex? Is my whole self there to be known? As we started mentioning yesterday, there are a lot of things that make it easy to have sex with just the surface of ourselves and not our deeper, whole selves.

Are you bringing as much attention and feeling and honesty to sex as you do to coffee with a friend or a yoga class or even drinks after work? Sometimes, people have sex just to get it over with or do it out of obligation or because it’s an itch they want to scratch… instead of treating the time like the best possible way to get to know their spouse better. What other activity has space for your entire personality and body to participate?

I’m not saying it’s easy. Not many important things are easy.

I’m saying there’s an infinite space to play and know each other… really know each other.

Every physical activity, especially sex, has the ability to involve our soul or not. Sex is meant to involve your soul too. Maybe soul is too mystic a word. When I say soul, I mean the things that matter to you… your hopes, fears, desire, longings, the things that make you laugh, the things that hurt… YOU. Involve YOU in sex so you can be known.

So, tonight, don’t just have sex with your spouse… really, yada them!

In the Biblical Sense

Think About Sex – Step One

Posted on October 2, 2014 by Nicole

Day 1: How to have good sex? = Think about sex.

I don’t mean just “think about sex” like a soda erupting; shaking it up and then shooting sticky thoughts all over the place. (Those cans are small but they manage to cover everything when they explode. The same goes for sexual thoughts.) No, no. I mean, think about sex in very specific ways: disciplined, new, brave ways.

First of all:

Who do you want to want to have sex with? (this is not a typo)

Who do you want to want to have sex with? You may not want to have sex at all, especially if you do not like your own self (more on that soon). You may not want to have sex if you are angry with the person you’ve agreed to have sex with otherwise OR You may want to have sex with an inappropriate person.

Who do you need to start focusing your passionate + positive mental attention on?

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Try This:

Name them. Write their name down in your own handwriting. Take time to form each letter. Imagine each letter as a part of them {their person + body} that you notice and trace.

Take the name of your spouse or beloved or even yourself and write it down.

This will move the image of them in your mind… the thought of their existence, their soul, your history together… from your mind to your hand. Write their name in the physical world.

Notice how the thoughts in your head can connect to the actions of your body. Notice how the movements can change and go fast or slow, hard or soft. How did you write it? How could you write it differently a second time? What if you wrote their name on your skin or asked them to write a meaningful word on you?

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There are so many things stuck to our skin {especially women}: thoughts and expectations and hurts… really, anything negative seems to stick like superglue and the positive things in life just slide right off. Women walk around the world with so many words on their skin, and usually those words are full of disappointment.

She comes to a moment in the night {or day} when all the stars have aligned and sex is about to happen … most likely… and as he reaches his hands to touch her skin, it’s not really her skin he makes contact with. I mean, it’s her skin – but not the layer of her that connects to her soul.

There’s this tough, invisible layer of self-hatred and frustrations about life that covers almost every inch of our skin. This layer is impenetrable some days. On those days, you may still have sex, but you don’t have sex that makes loving connections because you can’t touch each others’ vulnerable layers.

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So, where do we even start? What do we do?

When your body feels like a disappointment and just a hand on your stomach or breast makes you flinch away?

When every dish you wash or sock you pick up is like angry armor you put on your skin that keeps you away from the person you want to love?

When your body has never had healthy pleasure just for pleasure’s sake and you have no idea where to start?

When you love your spouse, but you just do not like having sex?

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We will get to all of that hard stuff, but I know it helps me to start back at the beginning. When it all feels overwhelming or confusing or frustrating, I sit down and start over. I let my brain and the rest of my body reconnect in a simple way. Try this exercise:

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Start here.

Make time to think about the one you love… in detail. Write their name. Write it a few times; write it like you are 14-years-old and falling in love. Feel each movement without judgment of “how” you are writing it (you perfectionist!). Notice pressure and speed. Pray love into each specific part of their body as you write each specific letter of their name. Be present to how love can move from your brain to your fingers.

This is just the beginning.

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Photos by Jennifer Upton www.byjenniferupton.com

Want to see more great pictures of life through the lens of beauty and attention?

31 Days of Love and Making It

Posted on October 1, 2014 by Nicole

Hey Friends!

All throughout October I am participating in the Write 31 Days blogging challenge. For 31 days straight I will be writing daily on: LOVE & MAKING IT.

If you are new here, I often talk about Beauty and Sex, Bravery and New Perspectives. My passion is to talk about passion – the lack or the abundance – and if we can have 31 straight days of inspiration and conversation around sex… then EVERYONE WINS!

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{We are up and running… here’s a few of the posts in the series if you’d like to jump on in. You can always click on the LOVE AND MAKING IT link at the top to see all posts under that topic, as well.}

Push-Up Bra

In the Biblical Sense

Tickets to the Sex Show

Naked Whispering Gallery

And back to the original post…

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We think we have to love our bodies in order to really enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?

What if our marriage {bed} could be the place where we bring our whole selves, without fear or pretense, to experience freedom, fun, excitement, healing, passion, and beauty… LIFE to the Fullest?

**What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?**

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My hope is that by the end of October, we will all have 31 reminders about why God gave us bodies… and we’ll know better how to use them for GOOD.

Single?

Married?

Male?

Female?

Everyone is welcome.

Have questions about sex that you want me to address?
Tweet me: @nicoletteromero

There’s just something good about being able to talk about anything without shame or guilt. There’s just something good about being proud of the BODY + SOUL you’ve got. There’s just something extra good about finding new ways to love and make it with your beloved. Let’s talk about all that and more.

Come back everyday in October for inspiration on Love and Making It.

Wives Submit to Your Husbands

Posted on April 1, 2014 by Nicole

Submission.

It’s a dirty word to some. It’s a holy word to others.

but can I tell you something…?

I have found new life in it. Let me explain.

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“Wives, it should be no different with your husbands. Submit to them as you do to the Lord.”
– Ephesians 5

Submit.

^^That word burns^^

It burns because it seems to go against every other thing I know about our freedom. Jesus is supposed to bring a new kind of life: A free life. A life of fullness and joy and grace and love. A life where there are no power struggles because all people are equal and valued. A life where sharing a meal with your enemy or allowing the lowest to have the highest honor, is THE WAY. This is the life I want to live.

“Submit” feels like control and loss of identity.

“Submit” feels like a foot on your neck and a gag in your mouth.

“Submit” feels like a kennel you whimper in while your owners go on vacation.

“Submit” is the exact opposite of freedom.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. Gal 5:1

So, how do I submit and still live the full, free, wild life of joyful rebellion?

The key came to me just a couple weeks ago and it has blown wide open my relationship to God and to my husband.

As a writer, performer, actress, speaker I SUBMIT my work and my art to companies and publications that I admire.

I put my heart and soul into my presentation, proposal, or piece of writing and I SUBMIT it.

I am submitting to that website. I am submitting to that magazine. I am submitting to that church ministry… for a chance to be accepted and then presented in new, expanded, and exciting ways.

When I submit something, I am saying “Here. Here is a piece of me. What do you think? Will you accept it? Will you take this piece and make it grow – make it even better than it could have been if it stayed inside of me or locked in a drawer somewhere?”

Imagine a book you have written. Your blood, sweat, tears, hopes and dreams are all in that book. An author knows, that book is you in a lot of ways – at least a part of you. You send it off as a submission to an agent or a publisher. You say, “This is what I have to offer. I have been brave and I have worked hard. Will you take this and help it become something bigger and better than I ever dreamed it could be?”

This is the kind of submission I can believe in. Do you see it with God?

Submit to the Lord: I work hard. I am brave. I am honest and covered in terrified freedom, but I am presenting myself – all of me – to God. I say to God, “Here. Here is all of me. What do you think? Will you accept it? I am fearful but I will not hide myself anymore. This is what I have to give. Will you take it and help me grow – make me even better than I ever dreamed I could be?”

This is the kind of submission I can live in my marriage.

Wives submit to your husbands: I am submitting myself to my husband – all of me. I am brave and free. I work hard to be the best I can be everyday. Then, with a mixture of confidence and humility, hope and love, I submit myself to him. It is not a groveling. It is an offering. There will always be things I wish were different. Like any artist, I know the limits of my skills, but I am just me. I can only be me.

Submitting means being willing to stop hiding. You can write a book and never show anyone. You can be married and never really show your spouse your whole, true self; or you can put it all out there – all your words and body and skin and dreams.

This is as beautiful as I am.
This is as graceful as I am.
This is as brave as I am.
This is as broken as I am.
This is as scared as I am.
This is as complicated as I am.

Will you accept me and catapult me to a new level of freedom and success as a child of God?

^^^^That is a Godly marriage^^^^

Maybe Submission is Romance

To you I give … ME. I give my best, my worst, my ugly and my beautiful. To you, like sunlight on a tight flower, I open. To you I turn and face and unfurl until there is no fear left, only wide stretched petals of soul and body and spirit and breath. To you I show the center of me – the part where new life is born. To you I say, Here I am.

And you respond by receiving. You take me and instead of using me up, you expand me. I submit myself to you and I bloom because of your love.

God calls us to more. By submitting to God, we are offering to live brave, open, daring lives – where each day we show up and give our everything. By submitting to each other, we are called to more – more freedom, more confidence, more beauty, more strength, more vulnerability, more adventure.

In a loving marriage, we have someone to speak to us and touch us with the love of God, the kind that takes our submission not as a neck to stand on but as a beauty and power to expand.

“Yours is the light by which my spirit’s born: – you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”
― E.E. Cummings

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If you are interested in finding more bravery and freedom in your own life and marriage, take a look at my eCourse, LOVE AND MAKING IT – there is a class starting soon.

One Word Rebel

Posted on March 26, 2014 by Nicole

{{New LOVE and MAKING IT course now open for registration! GET THE SCOOP HERE!}}

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v. Rebel

This one’s for the good kids.

The good girls with their modest shirts and shorts under skirts. The good boys with their zipped pants and respectful words.

The ones who bent over backwards to save another. Did their homework. Did all the group projects themselves. Said no to drugs and yes to Jesus. Or mostly no to drugs and mostly yes to Jesus.

This one’s for the kids who missed their chance to have “wild days” of sowing their oats. Who never yelled back at their parents, never came home late, always played by the rules. This one’s for all those good kids who are now adults and the stakes are just too high to go wild, when you have bills and a family and a job you desperately need.

I am one of you. I missed my chance to rebel. My family needed stability and had been through enough turmoil. I decided, deep in my bones, to be a good girl and not make anything harder for anyone else ever ever ever. I would make life easier and better for all the people. I would get good grades, do as I’m told, show up on time, and smile when I was mad. I would save myself for marriage and stay sober while others drank beer and ate live goldfish.

I was a good girl.

Then I had kids.

And my own beautiful children are teaching me to rebel. Quickly, in the first year of motherhood, I used up every ounce of responsibility and goodness I had artificially created. I used up all my stores, all my reserves. Those kids and their wild selfishness drove me straight into the center of my own storm of needs.

And I rebelled, in starts and spurts. I pushed hard into spontaneity. Hard into living in the moment. Hard against eating my vegetables. Hard against doing chores and needing to keep the kitchen clean. Ah, Cleaning: The little pressure-release valve on my growing, filling rebellion tank. Nope. Not doing it.

But, I was rebelling against the wrong things.

I think God is a wild parent. I think He loves our rebellious streaks because we got them from Him. He just wants us to channel that strength and fierceness into a rebellion that looks more like freeing the captives and less like teenagers at a house party.

When I first started dreaming about what my ONE WORD would be this year, I thought it was REBEL Finally, I would stop rebelling against taking care of myself or doing my chores and I would rebel like a girl who believes God is real. Rebel against oppression. Rebel against anyone who claims power over another human being. Rebel against old definitions of beauty. Rebel against rules that shrink men and women. Rebel against false idols. Rebel against hate. Rebel against limits … but then I taught LOVE & MAKING IT and I was given a new word… ANOINTED.

…. this word is not just for me because it is for all of us. Anointed to free the captives and give sight to the blind…

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. God sent me to announce the year of his grace—a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies—and to comfort all who mourn, to care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquet of roses instead of ashes, messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit…. Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Lord is on Me, because He has anointed Me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim freedom to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free the oppressed… Luke 4:18

This one’s for the good kids – for the ones still sitting in their cells, quiet and small. The ones who over-eat because it feels like freedom, but it is still slavery. The ones who feel the needs of other people even stronger than their own.

It’s time. The doors are unlocked. It’s your turn. Let’s go.

We are free. Throw off the old rules. Go wild. Rebel. Run fast. Laugh loudly. Hug fiercely. Speak up! Use the full volume of your voice to proclaim FREEDOM. I will yell as loudly as I can. If you hear me, yell out freedom to everyone within earshot too. On and on we will go until we are all free from the powers that try and keep us blind and oppressed.

You are beautiful.

You are rich.

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are free.

But we have been captive for so long that we are walking on wobbly, hesitant legs – still believing the lies of our oppressors that Jesus did not live and there is no resurrection, that the rules of the power-hungry culture are still true – you are poor and ugly and worthless and small.

Are the last really first? Are all people now equal? Are you sure I am beautiful? Are you sure I am free? Can I really want what I want? Am I worth all this?

{{This is why I love helping women make a workshop and a playground of their marriage beds. This is why we are starting a community for ALL women in May.}}

YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are not alone. Let’s work out our salvation together – when the fear and trembling of these wild, wide open spaces is too much for our wobbly legs, we will link arms and keep going. It’s not too late to start rebelling for the right things.

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If you are married or nearly married and want a great, wide open place to experience freedom and beauty – check out LOVE and MAKING IT. We have a new class starting April 10th and it is all about rebelling in the BEST possible ways. How do we move from modesty to passionate freedom? How do we speak for ourselves? How do we use our bedrooms as a place of growth and connection rather than obligation or limits? What could sex be like? Are you experiencing it to the fullest? Come check out this class!!!

If you are single or just want a class where every kind of woman is welcome, wait just a few more days… IT’s COMING! 🙂

Love and Making It in Spring

Posted on March 19, 2014 by Nicole

Love and Making It in Spring session is over… but we have something hot coming this summer.

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Love and Making It – All Women – July 1st {single, married, don’t matter}

Love and Making It – For Couples – June 21st {for both partners to do together}

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Listen. We are bombarded with sights and sounds that tell us we are just not good enough and neither is our spouse. Let’s rebel against all of those messages together.

Let Love and Making It give you hope and show you the beauty you already have inside AND out – whether you are single or married.

If you are married, let Love and Making It help you and your spouse find the fun and desire and communication skills to really take your sex life to the next level.

Interested? Let us know. We are want to start a revolution… a rebellion… where all the people who thought they were disqualified from the “good” or “sexy” or “beautiful” life ALL get together and say, “Starting TODAY we are making new rules.”

We can show you how. This is about us choosing ourselves because it’s just a total waste to let one more day go by feeling bad about any of it.

Sign up to be the first to hear more info on classes and for a few inspirational words to make tomorrow even better than today.

(your time is precious. I have over 50,000 unread emails in my personal email from unnecessary things I signed up for. The emails you get from 1,000 Strands will be infrequent and useful and your information will be private)

BEAUTY IS YOURS

THIS IS THE POST FOR OUR SPRING CLASS BUT IT’LL GIVE YOU MORE OF AN IDEA OF WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT… KEEP READING.

I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees. – Pablo Neruda

LOVE and MAKING IT in Spring

(If you already know you are ready to join us, scroll to the bottom to sign up now.)

It’s time, my friend. It’s time for a renewed sense of wonder and connection to spring up in you. It’s time for your body to feel like home. It’s time for you to have greater experiences in your body than you thought were possible. It’s time to feel more awake, satisfied, open, and passionate.

What is the Love and Making It eCourse all about?

Well, sex, mostly. And your body. And your fears. And your marriage. And your sense of humor. And how sex can actually be medicine and dessert. How sex can be more than an obligation or something you do when you love someone and are not currently angry with them… How you can feel sexy and fulfilled NOW in THIS BODY.

It’s time to love your body. It’s just time.

It’s time to look forward to having sex with your husband. It’s just time.

It’s time to learn ways to overcome the obstacles in your sex life. It’s just time.

It’s time to switch from fixing yourself to enjoying yourself. It’s just time.

We spend so much time, money and energy trying to get fit, get smart, get holy, get beautiful… Get through it, Get over it, Get it out of the way.

This class is different. This class is not about getting – although you will get some. This class is about being given gifts.

You will be given gifts. The gifts of FREEDOM, SEX, BEAUTY, SAFETY, COURAGE, PLAY… you will finally own your body and sensuality in a way that allows you to give your whole self – not out of obligation or routine – but out of a bubbling, joyful, sexy desire to share.

In the body you have RIGHT NOW, you can feel beautiful and have truly great sex.

Do not let fear or busyness stop you from receiving this gift.

After years of research and indepth conversations with 100’s of women, I know this class, and the space it creates, literally changes lives and marriages… not because I am awesome (which we can discuss further) but because this way of looking at our sexuality and our bodies works. This is not a prescription, it is a new description of how all of this is meant to be – how we were designed for so much more {in bed}.

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A few words from past classmates:

“I think the thing about this class that has given me the most hope is that there is no assumption that some people will never get there, which is the message often given. Here, it has always been ‘Yes you can. And here’s how. And it will be uncomfortable but keep going.'”

“He looked at me and said, “I’m SO glad you are taking this class. Because no matter how many times I tell you these things, I know you can’t hear them from me. I’m so glad you’ve heard them from Nicole.” We went on to have the most amazing, connected time together ever. EVER. I’m celebrating because even though there have been high highs and low lows throughout this course, we have never had a dialogue that open about this, and I have never felt so connected to him and to my body before.”

“So even though I knew we were both so exhausted, I said to my husband, “Can we go to bed together tonight?” and when he asked why I said, “I really need to feel connected to you tonight, I really need to have sex and be held and know we’re in this together” and I was super nervous, but he didn’t shame me or question it or anything. We just put our laptops away and went to bed. And last night nothing changed with our situation, but something holy happened. I felt connected and known by my hubs in a new way. I finally got what Nicole’s been talking about when she says sex can be therapy and healing.”

“I have waited for these words for ten years. Asked the question “what in the world is sex? Why would God make it? What does it have to do with his heart??” It always seemed a separate thing from him, from relationship with him. Shocking, yes. But I’m ready to engage it. Thank you.”

“Nicole, I hope you plan on offering this regularly! My husband and I do premarital mentoring at our church and I just suggested your course as a resource for our ladies.”

“This is epic….transformational!”

“And then after we made love last night and were laying there a realization hit me. I told him that I feel as if I am waking up from a long sleep. That my whole body has been asleep, numb, and that I feel connected to myself again. Being awake is wonderful!”

“My husband said Nicole is a genius!”

“Nicole that is a huge breakthrough. Huge. Your influence led to REAL, practical, hands on healing.”

“I was raw. I told him what I was missing and needed. We decided to give ourselves permission to laugh in bed as we navigate our physical challenges. We are just now getting out of bed and one of his last comments was “thank you for being brave and telling me what you were feeling. I think this is a new day for us.”

“Your love and making it series is setting me free. My husband has never felt so loved and frankly I have never been more satisfied. I think this is your gift. I want you to talk about bodies and sex all day every day because your truth is seriously beautiful and deeply needed.”

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If you think the church only gave you instructions on how to NOT have sex, but never the tools to help you LOVE sex, take this course with me.

If you need a reboot in your sex life, take this course.

If you love your husband more than life, but still don’t always look forward to having sex, take this course.

If you need a safe community of women to talk with about sex and body challenges, take this course.

If you want to find new, fun ways to make sex hot, take this course.

If you want to turn to your husband in a few weeks and say, “Honey, I have a headache. Can we please have sex?” Take this course.

HOW WE WILL DO THIS THING beginning April 10th:

28 Days of PASSIONALS (A Worksheet/Love Letters to inspire and challenge and ignite you… Think of it like a waterfall of new, beautiful ways to see yourself and sex.)

4 Live Video Workshops where we discuss the Passionals and other issues that have come up in your class. (Recorded in case you miss any.)

A Secret Facebook group where we will cheer each other on, laugh, share our stories and basically talk daily about all the amazing things you are doing throughout the month.

After you sign up, you will also have the chance to sign up for a one-on-one coaching call with Nicole

THE COST:

For the 28 days of Passionals, workshops and daily support the class price is $65.

As with all my courses, there are a few scholarships available. Please send an email to 1000strands@gmail.com if you want to apply for a scholarship.

WHAT TO DO NOW:

SIGN UP TODAY. Use the button below to go to Paypal and please fill out the form below with the email you use on FB so I can add you to the cozy secret group. Any questions? Email me at 1000strands@gmail.com

What lights a relationship on fire? What keeps it going after fifteen years?

What sets butterflies to flight in your stomach when your eyes make contact?

What keeps your bodies magnetized so that the pull towards each other never weakens?

The obvious answer is mutual attraction, but what is that exactly? How do we stay mutually attracted? What’s the answer to “How to keep a marriage magnetized?”

People are not permanent magnets. We do not just naturally hold onto our charge in a relationship. We must keep electricity running through us so we can keep our magnetism pulling us together.

If you want your coils to stay attracted to his or her coils for years to come, the essential electric thought you must keep flowing through your mind so that your bodies will attract is this:

I’M SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU & YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE ME.

HUMILITY + CONFIDENCE = CHEMISTRY

We are attracted to people that we admire, who surprise us, but we also need confidence to receive that awesome person’s love in return.

There is nothing like thinking your spouse is spectacular and YOU get to be married to them… and then having them think that about you.

Believing yourselves to be lucky to have each other builds in just enough “seize the moment” motivation to keep the attraction alive. Luck brings gratitude in it’s back pocket.

This keeps that little flicker of tension and wonder between you.

Do not let jealousy, or the attentions of someone else, be the electricity that remagnetizes you. It’s easy to let passion fade and take our partners for granted… until someone else notices how great they are and we are suddenly lit up with jealousy.

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Imagine that your spouse is your high school crush… the overwhelming joy that came when their arm touched your arm, when they asked what the homework was in Trig and you couldn’t believe your luck, when they smiled at you across a room and you’d never felt more alive…

Sown into those moments was gratitude and massive admiration of that Crush… plus a focus on every single minute detail of your interactions. You wanted more.

Why do we take for granted that the person we crushed on at some point in our lives, now wakes up beside us?

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This is magnetic.

I closed my eyes and spoke to you in 100 silent ways. – Rumi

Using sex as a way to temporarily satiate a craving is like gulping a fine wine or perfectly-aged scotch to quench your thirst, and then wondering why you are still thirsty and your throat has started burning.

When we are quiet and settled, we notice the profound stirrings simple physical touches wake in us: fingers intertwined, lips kissing the inside of a wrist, the bump of a fist, a hug.

When we move too quickly and desperately, we grab and suck whatever we can to calm our nerves and queasy stomachs.

We were made for more and we know it.

You were made to worship and be worshipped because of the infinite beauty and glory in you. The fast, shallow or chaotic moments most of us experience are not the way we were designed to know each other.

The original Old English marriage vows in the Common Book of Prayer…

“With this ring, I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship…”

Old English Definition of Worship: Giving honor and admiration; acknowledging worth… worth-ship.

This is not sacrilege, this is sacred. Sex is sacred – spending time on the utter appreciation of one child of God

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I love Degas paintings. I could pour over one; seeing the brush strokes and colors… think about what it must have been like in the room as each swash of pain hit the canvas and the images emerged.

I love great music. I could listen to a song over and over, hearing different notes and inflections of sound.

I love swimming and watching great swimmers compete. I watch the water move over their strong shoulders and the small but powerful waves forming behind each kick.

I love my husband. I could pour over every inch of him.

I love my husband. I could listen to him talk or whisper or laugh over and over again.

I love my husband. I watch him move and savor the waves his actions send around me.

When you come together with your spouse, do you use your body to its fullest capacity to speak worth and love to them? What could you start doing today to express how much worth you see in them?

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When we are not married…even when we are married and our spouses just don’t SEE us, we can see ourselves. We can marvel at the wiggle of our toes or the way the lines curve around hips and thighs. We can appreciate what we have been given.

Beautiful. All Beautiful.

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As far as I know, you are not having sex so other people can watch.

You do not sell tickets to the sex show in your home.

You are not trying for any awards.

The camera is not panning across your taught abdomen as your spouse’s equally taught abs slowly lower onto you, the light languid but grateful in its luck at caressing your skin.

When you have sex, it is not for an audience.

So, why do we care so much what we look like while having it? Why do we care what other people think? And, are we so wrapped up in doing everything “for show” online that we have forgotten how to let sex be a sacred and intimate place worthwhile even in its secrecy?

Let’s discuss…

First of all:

We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love on screens that our own experiences are often “watched” inside our own mind’s eye rather than experienced with our whole selves…with all of our senses. We are outside the actual experience.

What if we focused our attention back to the present moment? How does this feel, smell, taste? What is each part of my body experiencing right now? What am I loving? How would I describe this sensation or moment?

It absolutely DOES NOT matter what anyone {no audience, ex, or imaginary judge} would think of how you look or perform during sex.

The only thing that matters is the connection between you and your partner.

What would change if we believed that?

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Second of all:

We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love that our own bodies are measured against templates they were not meant to be measured by.

The most beautiful and ripe pineapple would appear to be a terribly strange apple – if it was trying to be an apple. Be the ripe, glorious, juicy version of YOURSELF. Your body is unique and worthy of honor {as it is} … not just honor, but hot, passionate, confident sex too.

Pay attention to when you are believing lies about your own worth. Pay attention to when you have slid into believing yourself too “fat” or “ugly” to enjoy your own body. It is a lie.

It does not matter what the world would say about how you and your spouse look while having sex. The only thing that matters is the connection between you.

Third of all:

We are so accustomed to taking other people’s advice about sex that we have lost contact with our own intuition and personal pleasures. Block out your friends, your church, whatever porn you’ve seen… and really be with only your partner.

One of the biggest poisons to great sex is unmet expectations of what sex is “supposed” to be like. What if you both started with a clean slate and enjoyed designing new versions of GREAT sex for YOU?

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Finally:

So, what can we do now?

Stop allowing any kind of audience into your head. Be alone with your spouse – in body and in mind.

Create an island in your home where the two of you are the epitome of sexy. Maybe it’s just your bedroom. There, you two are naked and you have no shame. You move and breathe for each other alone. You make the rules.

It sounds silly, I know. But perhaps it’s worth feeling a bit silly at first to have years of fantastic, confident, creative, passionate sex. I’m just sayin…

Stop selling tickets to the sex show.

Allow as much PRIVACY in your head and heart as you do in the actual room.

Has anyone ever accidentally grabbed or brushed against your breasts?

(That is, if you have breasts… if you don’t, have you ever accidentally grabbed or fondled or brushed against someone else’s breasts?)

See: The intimacy of the moment is the direct inverse to the push-up-ness of the bra on said breasts.

Wearing ^^ THIS ^^ is like wearing boob armor. Bump against them all you want, it’s not really ME. The real me is hiding behind inches of padding and water or gel or air.

That’s the kind of bra to wear to a mosh pit or first date. If someone gets too handsy, you’ll hardly notice.

If the woman is wearing an unlined bra where her breasts actually reach the edges of the cloth and her skin feels the movement of cotton or hands, then it is entirely different. The level of vulnerability goes way up.

More padding = Less vulnerable | Less padding = More vulnerable

How much armor are you wearing?

Stop allowing any kind of audience into your head.
Be alone with your spouse – in body and in mind.

This is the best gift you can give yourself and your current or future spouse:
become at home in your body.