Tag Archives: love and making it

Imagination and Kissing

Posted on by Nicole

 We cannot force ourselves back to life all at once like a sudden combustion, but we are never past hope. The wick is still in your heart. You can burn with passion again.

 Candles and Women | 1000strands.com

*****

Force of will
turns nothing on.
Candles are lit
like women.
With fire
and focus
and melting.

*****

It’s a magic combination of body and soul – an everyday magic between two people – that comes with focused attention on where the body and soul mingle. We use our imagination to hope beyond present circumstances. We use our body to root ourselves in this moment.

 

Anais Nin Imagination and Kissing | 1000strands.com

 

“There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way of imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don’t work.” -Anais Nin

Help Your Spouse Want More

Posted on by Nicole

Hey Guys,

Want more great sex with your spouse? Want them to want sex more? I’m not one to be bullet-point about things, but since this is for you Guys I’m gonna try. Let’s start with the delicate subject of arousal and wanting sex …

*****

Imagine that every couple days your female best friend drives to your house to see you. You open the door and run out. Grabbing her in a fierce hug, you smile and stand together for a moment. You’ve missed her. While still hugging, you pat her down and take any money, jewelry, or Starbucks cards she has on her.  You stick your hands in her pockets and pull. You slide your hands up and down her sides, noticing a phone in her jacket and a wallet as well. You slide your fingers in and take those too. Then, you hold your friend by the shoulders, say “THANKS, SEE YOU TOMORROW!” with a big ol’ grin, and go back into the house, locking the door behind you.

How many times do you think that friend would come back to see you, if all they get is their body patted for loot?

Our spouse is the person with whom we have agreed to be BEST Friends.

And frankly, sometimes, sex can feel like a fairly pleasant mugging instead of best friends playing.

*****

(I want to clarify that the typical man/woman roles in sexual interactions can easily be switched. About 1 in 8 of the people I talk to about their relationships have the roles reversed – where the woman wants sex more often than the man.  Just read this from the role you know you fill.)

*****

Here’s the hard part: Some of you, men, you are using women’s bodies to get what you want… but most of you would be profoundly saddened to hear that a woman felt used after having sex with you.  Most men want sex to be good for both parties.

Despite the efforts of good men, who do want to have great sex with the woman they love {GOOD = reciprocal, hot, fun, satisfying sex}, many women are in a nearly constant state of being “turned off” because of past experiences or cultural messages or things you are inadvertently communicating.  Consequently, sex does not feel like two beloved friends reuniting but rather a fairly pleasant mugging.

*****

What can be done about this?

It all comes down to navigating arousal.

3 THINGS: 

1. Equal Participation.

Have you ever had a friend who was an over-talker?  Someone who literally sucked you dry because you couldn’t get a word in edgewise and felt like they just wanted you to listen to them talk on and on, but had NO interest in your life? Make sure your sex is NOT like that. Give and receive. Laugh. Make eye contact. Pause and Listen. Pay attention to their needs as well as your own.  Make sex more like a deep conversation than a high five…more like sharing everything you have than a fairly pleasant mugging.

If you are the person who usually just listens and doesn’t share your own heart – i.e. if you are the one who just lays there while the other person is trying to connect, start asking yourself questions about why that is and take action. (START WITH MY FREE NEWSLETTER)  Clearly choose IN, do not make your spouse guess if you want to do this with them.

 

2. Moving into mutual arousal is a delicate process.

Move with intentionality through the moments where intimacy and touch turn to arousal, because arousal can feel like a demand. No matter how flattering or meaningful, if one person feels loving but not anywhere near aroused and is then met by the demanding arousal of the other – it can feel more like pressure or obligation than like the sexy attraction we all want so badly from another person.

Arousal is a little like drinking alcohol.
No one wants to drink alone, but being the sober one sucks too.

If you are the one faster to be aroused, be clear that your arousal is not your body yelling AT your partner for immediate gratification – it is a pull towards each other – a desire for passionate connection. If the man is the faster-aroused, it will be obvious. 🙂  Try to keep a piece of friendship between you while you are aroused: say something sweet, slow down, be still between movements, make each other laugh.

There is a deeply sewn belief that “all men want is sex.” So, when a man becomes aroused, it makes the woman immediately feel less human and more “object.”  This is the core of what needs to be worked through without judgment on either side = Keep your humanity while being aroused.

Arousal is GOOD. It is from God. It is a pull towards each other that keeps us connected when the busyness of life tries to pull us apart. Respect arousal as a gift from God – harness it and use it to build connection and love.

3. Make it clear that you want HER.

You want this woman – as she is today. You want to connect with her on levels only possible when your entire body and soul are involved.  This will help navigate arousal. Both of you must be willing to accept the other at whatever level of arousal each of you need to start at and then move towards each other …  Like a great conversation with deepening questions and confessions.

How do you do this?

If you are not easily aroused?  Be patient with your body but do not let a lack of arousal keep you from starting an intimate night.  Do not feel bad about your level of arousal just don’t accept it as a final answer.

If you are easily aroused?  Be patient with your partner’s body. Coax them into a great time, but do not feel ashamed of your arousal…it is like fuel. Use it wisely… it is combustible and can hurt if we are not careful about how we use it.

 *****

Hey Guys, instead of running to take what you can get, give everything you have to each other.  Lay it all on the table, on the bed, on the floor.

I closed my eyes and spoke to you in a hundred Silent ways. – Rumi

Start coloring with 50 Shades of Grey

Posted on by Nicole

I write and speak on the topic of sex.  I want to be careful with the trust you have given me on this subject. I will not tell you whether you should see 50 Shades of Grey since I haven’t seen the movie yet. Only you know what is beneficial for YOU … but hopefully this will help you cultivate freedom and beauty in your own life either way. 

Here’s what I learned from reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books:

I had limited my own creativity. Most of the actual activities within the book were not appealing to me BUT a few were, and more importantly it got me thinking about how artistic and creative someone can be within their make-out sessions. 

Texture.

Music. 

Surprise. 

Sensation. 

Voicing what you want. 

Clear boundaries and room to play within those rules. 

Rather than giving thought to whether the movie should exist or if it will literally destroy a generation, give thought to your own story. You do not need to save the world. How about we first save ourselves?

Does your body need your attention? Does your spouse’s body need your attention?

Fifty Shades of Grey gives a lot of attention to bodies.  This is another thing I learned: It is especially important for those of us who’ve struggled with bodies being GOOD and BEAUTIFUL and perfectly made by a GOD YOU LOVES YOUR BODY — to intentionally focus your own loving attention on your body.

Where have you been limited in your thinking about your body?

Where have you settled for “mediocre” in making love? 

Is sex an obligation? Is it something you do to make babies? Is it something you do for attention? 

How do you move? Could you move differently?

What is your sensory experience? Could you add anything? Smells? Tastes? Varied movements? Music?

Within the healthy boundaries of your own life, how could you play?

Life is full of art. We create a masterpiece within each day by how we live. It’s easy to think of creativity starting in our heads and moving out into the items we create: blog posts, paintings, photographs, meals … BUT do not forget that your own body needs to creatively express itself. Embodiment is healthy. Have you seen a toddler dance lately? Dear Lord, they are art in motion.  

*****

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I believe in my bones that EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. Rather than seeing 50 Shades of Grey, spend some time looking at art and thinking about sex. You will get the benefits without the complications of the movie.

How do the paintings and photographs communicate movement or texture?
How could your body express your feelings?
Imagine what you could do.

Why does Fifty Shades turn women on? We could debate the intricacies, but most of all, it’s because it makes women actually THINK about sex as pleasurable and creative. Thinking about new possibilities {in bed} will turn you on.

So, here’s my collection of Fifty Shades of Grey inspiration for you. ENJOY!

(want more inspiration for a healthy | brave | beautiful lovelife?
Sign up for the free, weekly NEWSLETTER)

 

Paul Jenkins, Lateral Crossing (2007) | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey

Paul Jenkins, Lateral Crossing (2007) | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey

 

Grey Ocean | 1000strands.com | Fifty Shades of Grey

Grey Ocean | 1000strands.com | Fifty Shades of Grey | Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/

 

By Mark Tobey | 1000strands.com | 50 Shades

By Mark Tobey | Found at http://wowgreat.tumblr.com/post/16574960081/mark-tobey

 

Caught Leaf by James R. Paige | 1000strands.com | Grey

Caught Leaf by James R. Paige | Found at https://www.flickr.com/photos/pageworld/5120795449/

 

Almond Milk | from designlovefest.com | repost on 1000strands.com

Found at http://www.designlovefest.com/2014/03/mint-mocha-shake-recipe/

 

Mountain top | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey

Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/

 

Bed | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey

Found at http://intsight.tumblr.com/

 

Shane Salzwedel | 1000strands.com | Grey

Found at http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/brooks-shane-salzwedel

 

Naked Body | Charlie Chaplin Quote | 1000strands.com

 

(want more inspiration for a healthy | brave | beautiful lovelife?
Sign up for the free, weekly NEWSLETTER)

Passionals Newsletter Sign Up Now

Posted on by Nicole

Love and Making It
is about to start a new season

Hey, my friend! It’s time for us to start something new together. 

At one point or another you’ve read the blog, seen me speak live, or taken an ecourse and I want to THANK YOU for that. Thank you for joining me here. Thank you for being brave enough to even start reading and thinking about how to make your life better, braver, and more beautiful … even IN bed.  This is my passion = helping you find your passion.  

*****
I am floored by the good work I’ve been lucky enough to see some of you do. You’ve been brave. You’ve literally changed your marriages and lives by engaging with the heart and soul of LOVE AND MAKING IT. Thank you for letting me share in a little of your awesomeness!
*****

I am reminded that we all need this place… even when we are busy, actually, because we are busy. We need reminders everyday to take good care of our love-lives, because it’s a strong current pulling us back to confusion, ambivalence, fear, dislike, and exhaustion.

There are so many forces pushing us away from healthy sex lives.  Health is a constant practice, we can’t work out one day and expect to be fit forever. We can’t read one good article about sex and expect our sex lives to be healthy. This is a practice. 

And so here we are, about to start a new season.  This year I have more content and more bravery of my own and I am excited to share it all with you, but you know it’s more than just the content here – it’s about action and new ways of training our thinking about our bodies. 

My goal this year {and I hope you’ll come with me} is to provide you with more hands-on activities, perspective-changing tools, and even more HOPE that your body can be a great place to live and play. 

 

Your body can be a GREAT place to live and play.

Whether you are married, single, divorced… bigger than those categories… because who wants to be limited by their relational status?… There will be camaraderie and help through Love and Making It.  

This blog will still continue to cover all kinds of things (but be warned, there will be regular talk of sex in what I hope is a healthy, loving, brave way)… BUT

It’s time to sign up for my LOVE AND MAKING IT – PASSIONAL newsletter (no spam. it’ll come out about once week) and get more indepth articles plus hear first about ecourses, books, videos, activities and more… sign up for the LOVE AND MAKING IT newsletter:  PASSIONALS á GOGO 

What is a Passional?
Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.

Who should sign up?
You. And your friends. And people who love their spouse but want more inspiration in “loving” their spouse. Women who say no to sex when they have a headache, because they don’t realize sex can cure headaches. Men who wonder why women don’t seem to love sex. People who’ve been trained how not to have sex before marriage but not how to have sex after marriage. Anyone who wants healthy, honest, fun conversations about living well in out bodies + souls.  Love and Making It is for you.

You deserve bravery + beauty + freedom in bed and out!

Sign up for a weekly, free boost of inspiration and love. Do not let another day go by where you don’t feel beautiful and you don’t look forward to making out with your spouse. Let’s do this!  You and your spouse are worthy of love and good make-out-sessions. Sign up!

You’ll be the first to hear about special eCourses and goodies too!

 

imagine the possibilities

 

Just Do It

Posted on by Nicole

This post is NOT for those who struggle in a relationship that is manipulative or abusive. This post is NOT meant to support the 1000’s of years of oppression women have endured as property or servants. It is meant as a reminder that in a healthy, mutual relationship… sometimes we need to be reminded to put on our gym shoes and get motivated.

*****

If you love your husband but just can’t find the motivation or desire to have sex or initiate sex, this is the most practical help I can give:

Just Do It

I know it’s not romantic. I know it’s not ideal.

We want passion and an irresistible magnetic pull towards the love of our lives, but we do not live in Outlander or Twilight or 50 Shades.  No one is writing our romance for us – in OUR lives. We have to do the work of making time to love our spouse with not just our minds but our bodies too.

Many of us spend all day basically in our heads. Our bodies serve to carry our brains around and not much else (except to eat Chipotle! Thank you, mouth!). I mean, we work hard but we do not move our bodies for pleasure or mastery of movement.

This causes a disconnect between our minds and our bodies in that we are not accustomed to a life that requires a conscious, practiced connection between body, mind, and soul.  We move minimally or with rough, uninspired, exhausted actions throughout long days.

Then, we come home and our husbands (usually, but sometimes it’s the other way around) want to make sweet love… and we are so disconnected from our body that it feels foreign, awkward, and… well, like a lot of work, to get up the energy to have sex.

BUT if they hang in there with us and push through the initial rejection (miracle!) then we kiss and kissing turns to sex… and most of the time, we are really, really glad we did have that sex.  We really love our spouse and making love to them is a good thing.

It’s a lot like going to the gym.

Sometimes you just have to do it. Get started. Put on your shoes.

You may not really feel like it, but you know it’s good for you and you’ll be happy you did it. So you start, and about 15 minutes in you find yourself enjoying it.  You feel strong and alive. Your muscles and your mind are working in unison. Then, after you are done, you are proud and you are glowing.

It’s okay to feel the same way about sex.

Sometimes you just have to do it. Get started. Put on your shoes {but this time it’s lingerie}.

You may not really feel like it, but you know it’s good for you and you’ll be happy you did it. So you start, and about 15 minutes in you find yourself enjoying it.  You feel strong and alive. Your muscles and your mind are working in unison. Then, after you are done, you are proud and you are glowing.

 

Just do it. 

Just Do IT - Love and Making It meets Nike :)(I did not make this pic, I just like it.)

With my body I thee worship

Posted on by Nicole

I closed my eyes and spoke to you in 100 silent ways. – Rumi

 

Using sex as a way to temporarily satiate a craving is like gulping a fine wine or perfectly-aged scotch to quench your thirst, and then wondering why you are still thirsty and your throat has started burning.

 

When we are quiet and settled, we notice the profound stirrings simple physical touches wake in us: fingers intertwined, lips kissing the inside of a wrist, the bump of a fist, a hug.

When we move too quickly and desperately, we grab and suck whatever we can to calm our nerves and queasy stomachs.

We were made for more and we know it.

You were made to worship and be worshipped because of the infinite beauty and glory in you. The fast, shallow or chaotic moments most of us experience are not the way we were designed to know each other.

The original Old English marriage vows in the Common Book of Prayer…

“With this ring, I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship…”

Old English Definition of Worship: Giving honor and admiration; acknowledging worth… worth-ship.

This is not sacrilege, this is sacred.  Sex is sacred – spending time on the utter appreciation of one child of God

*****

In making love to your spouse, are you communicating their worth, to you and to God?  Are you taking in each inch of them the way you would your absolute favorite “thing” in the world?  After sex with you, does your spouse feel more connected to God and more themselves in their perfectly created “naked” and “shameless” form?

*****

I love Degas paintings. I could pour over one; seeing the brush strokes and colors… think about what it must have been like in the room as each swash of pain hit the canvas and the images emerged.

I love great music. I could listen to a song over and over, hearing different notes and inflections of sound.

I love swimming and watching great swimmers compete. I watch the water move over their strong shoulders and the small but powerful waves forming behind each kick.

I love my husband. I could pour over every inch of him.

I love my husband. I could listen to him talk or whisper or laugh over and over again.

I love my husband. I watch him move and savor the waves his actions send around me.

When you come together with your spouse, do you use your body to its fullest capacity to speak worth and love to them?  What could you start doing today to express how much worth you see in them?

*****

Whether you are married or not, your body is worthy of love and detailed enjoyment. We run, work, chomp some food, clean the bathroom, lug groceries, and 1,000 other things each day … but we hardly ever stop to notice our bodies unless it is to criticize them for something. We do a terrible job of loving our bodies.

For a marriage, it is vitally important for both partners to worship themselves and each other… to see worth in the beautiful creation God made them to be. We do not worship any created thing more than God.  We do not give more “worth” to any created thing than the worth due the Creator… but we know that God makes good things. You are good.  Every wrinkle. Every freckle. The way you smile when surprised. The way you look when you hear your favorite song… do you not think God is giddy over every single thing you do?

When we are not married…even when we are married and our spouses just don’t SEE us, we can see ourselves. We can marvel at the wiggle of our toes or the way the lines curve around hips and thighs.  We can appreciate what we have been given.

Beautiful. All Beautiful.

*****

Tyler Knott Gregson poem on 1000strands.com

Poem by Tyler Knott Gregson

Tickets to the sex show

Posted on by Nicole

As far as I know, you are not having sex so other people can watch.

You do not sell tickets to the sex show in your home. 

You are not trying for any awards.

The camera is not panning across your taught abdomen as your spouse’s equally taught abs slowly lower onto you, the light languid but grateful in its luck at caressing your skin.  

When you have sex, it is not for an audience.  

So, why do we care so much what we look like while having it?  Why do we care what other people think?  And, are we so wrapped up in doing everything “for show” online that we have forgotten how to let sex be a sacred and intimate place worthwhile even in its secrecy?

Let’s discuss…

*****

First of all:

We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love on screens that our own experiences are often “watched” inside our own mind’s eye rather than experienced with our whole selves…with all of our senses.  We are outside the actual experience. 

What if we focused our attention back to the present moment?  How does this feel, smell, taste? What is each part of my body experiencing right now? What am I loving?  How would I describe this sensation or moment?

It absolutely DOES NOT matter what anyone {no audience, ex, or imaginary judge} would think of how you look or perform during sex.

The only thing that matters is the connection between you and your partner. 

What would change if we believed that?

 *****

Second of all:

We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love that our own bodies are measured against templates they were not meant to be measured by.

Learn to enjoy yourself and your spouse – as you are. People like to say things like “we are held to an impossible beauty ideal.”  It’s an impossible ideal NOT BECAUSE IT IS BETTER THAN YOU but because it does not apply to you. Ideals of taste are entirely subjective and arbitrary.  Make your OWN ideals based on your own life. 

The most beautiful and ripe pineapple would appear to be a terribly strange apple – if it was trying to be an apple.  Be the ripe, glorious, juicy version of YOURSELF.  Your body is unique and worthy of honor {as it is} … not just honor, but hot, passionate, confident sex too.

 Be you

By the time you were 12, you surely had plenty of movies and TV {and misguided friends} teach you that only SOME people deserve to have great sex or be proud enough of their bodies {and their existence} to kiss and be happy and naked.  We learn this quickly as we notice how “fat” or “ugly” people are ridiculed for doing things they enjoy, let alone kissing anyone.  We would rather die than feel the shame of being ridiculed like that.

Pay attention to when you are believing lies about your own worth. Pay attention to when you have slid into believing yourself too “fat” or “ugly” to enjoy your own body.  It is a lie.

It does not matter what the world would say about how you and your spouse look while having sex. The only thing that matters is the connection between you.

*****

Third of all:

We are so accustomed to taking other people’s advice about sex that we have lost contact with our own intuition and personal pleasures. Block out your friends, your church, whatever porn you’ve seen… and really be with only your partner.

One of the biggest poisons to great sex is unmet expectations of what sex is “supposed” to be like.  What if you both started with a clean slate and enjoyed designing new versions of GREAT sex for YOU?

*****

Finally:

So, what can we do now?

Stop allowing any kind of audience into your head.
Be alone with your spouse – in body and in mind.

Create an island in your home where the two of you are the epitome of sexy.  Maybe it’s just your bedroom. There, you two are naked and you have no shame.  You move and breathe for each other alone. You make the rules.

It sounds silly, I know. But perhaps it’s worth feeling a bit silly at first to have years of fantastic, confident, creative, passionate sex. I’m just sayin…

Stop selling tickets to the sex show.

Allow as much PRIVACY in your head and heart as you do in the actual room.

 

You make the rules

Push up Bra

Posted on by Nicole

Has anyone ever accidentally grabbed or brushed against your breasts?

(That is, if you have breasts… if you don’t, have you ever accidentally grabbed or fondled or brushed against someone else’s breasts?)

It’s happened to most everyone at some point or another.  You are in some close space and people are moving around.  Breasts stick out and hands or arms often accidentally brush against those soft bumpers.  The second after it happens, when it registers in everyone’s minds that breasts have been touched, eyes dart up in shock and embarrassment before blinking hard to break the stare.  But do not fear, this is not necessarily a moment of awkward embarrassment for both of you. 

See: The intimacy of the moment is the direct inverse to the push-up-ness of the bra on said breasts.  

bombshell

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wearing ^^ THIS ^^ is like wearing boob armor. Bump against them all you want, it’s not really ME. The real me is hiding behind inches of padding and water or gel or air.  

(That picture is so airbrushed, the bottoms of her pretend breasts are pinched up in the bra. It kind of hurts me.)

That’s the kind of bra to wear to a mosh pit or first date. If someone gets too handsy, you’ll hardly notice.

If the woman is wearing an unlined bra where her breasts actually reach the edges of the cloth and her skin feels the movement of cotton or hands, then it is entirely different. The level of vulnerability goes way up.

More padding = Less vulnerable  |  Less padding = More vulnerable

How much armor are you wearing?

Can you be touched?  We are not just talking about bras, now. How far away is your inner self from the surface of your skin?  I call that space between YOU (the part that feels love) and your skin = you Armor.

When you come to bed, how much armor are you wearing?  When your Lover’s hands run across your stomach to your chest, how much armor are you wearing?  When you kiss goodnight, how much armor are you wearing? When he makes a move and subtly tries to see if his passionate feelings are reciprocated, how much armor are you wearing?

Can you feel it?  Can you feel when his words reach out to touch you? Can you feel it when his hands want to caress and affect you?

I do not mean, how padded is your bra? I mean, how padded is the passionate center of your heart?

Are you doing things to make yourself “look better” that are actually separating you from really feeling when your Love touches you?

It could be anything:

It could be an actual push-up bra when you should be naked.
It could be holding your stomach in so much you can’t remember to orgasm.
It could be disconnecting from your skin because your skin isn’t the size you ordered.
It could be layering frustrations and disappointments between you both to punish your spouse for them.
It could be pretending you are fine when you desperately need something.

 *****

We like to throw the word “Embodied” around lately in conversations about health and beauty. People talk about it in all kinds of complicated ways, but it is simple and it is vitally important to great sex.

Get in your body. Be in it.

Let your Lover locate your soul in every inch of your skin.  Do not pull back to hide in some dark, safe recess of your inner self. Spread out and fill your skin to the brim so that when you are caressed … YOU are caressed.

Start by noticing the places your soul already feels safe to be.  What parts of your body connect with your soul?

Is it your lips?  When you are kissed well, does your gut feel loved?

Is it that space near your collarbone where your neck curves up? When lips touch that spot, can your heart feel it?

What parts of your skin are you already in?

Start there.

Then, invite your soul into the other beautiful places and spaces on your body as well.

(Pro tip: All the places and spaces of your body are beautiful.)

This is the best gift you can give yourself and your current or future spouse:
become at home in your body.

Push up bras can be fun & utilitarian, and it makes sense why someone would wear one, but a hand on 2 inches of padding is not the same as a hand on warm, naked skin.

Learn to be at home in your body so you can be intimately loved in it.

Think About Sex – Step One

Posted on by Nicole

Day 1: How to have good sex? = Think about sex.

I don’t mean just “think about sex” like a soda erupting; shaking it up and then shooting sticky thoughts all over the place. (Those cans are small but they manage to cover everything when they explode. The same goes for sexual thoughts.)  No, no. I mean, think about sex in very specific ways: disciplined, new, brave ways.

First of all:

Who do you want to want to have sex with? (this is not a typo)

Who do you want to want to have sex with?  You may not want to have sex at all, especially if you do not like your own self (more on that soon). You may not want to have sex if you are angry with the person you’ve agreed to have sex with otherwise OR You may want to have sex with an inappropriate person.

Who do you need to start focusing your passionate + positive mental attention on?

 *****

Try This:

Name them. Write their name down in your own handwriting. Take time to form each letter. Imagine each letter as a part of them {their person + body} that you notice and trace.

Take the name of your spouse or beloved or even yourself and write it down.

This will move the image of them in your mind…  the thought of their existence, their soul, your history together… from your mind to your hand. Write their name in the physical world.

Notice how the thoughts in your head can connect to the actions of your body.  Notice how the movements can change and go fast or slow, hard or soft.  How did you write it? How could you write it differently a second time?  What if you wrote their name on your skin or asked them to write a meaningful word on you?

*****

There are so many things stuck to our skin {especially women}: thoughts and expectations and hurts… really, anything negative seems to stick like superglue and the positive things in life just slide right off. Women walk around the world with so many words on their skin, and usually those words are full of disappointment.

She comes to a moment in the night {or day} when all the stars have aligned and sex is about to happen … most likely… and as he reaches his hands to touch her skin, it’s not really her skin he makes contact with.  I mean, it’s her skin – but not the layer of her that connects to her soul.

There’s this tough, invisible layer of self-hatred and frustrations about life that covers almost every inch of our skin. This layer is impenetrable some days.  On those days, you may still have sex, but you don’t have sex that makes loving connections because you can’t touch each others’ vulnerable layers.

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So, where do we even start?  What do we do?

When your body feels like a disappointment and just a hand on your stomach or breast makes you flinch away?

When every dish you wash or sock you pick up is like angry armor you put on your skin that keeps you away from the person you want to love?

When your body has never had healthy pleasure just for pleasure’s sake and you have no idea where to start?

When you love your spouse, but you just do not like having sex?

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We will get to all of that hard stuff, but I know it helps me to start back at the beginning.  When it all feels overwhelming or confusing or frustrating, I sit down and start over. I let my brain and the rest of my body reconnect in a simple way. Try this exercise:

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Start here.

Make time to think about the one you love… in detail. Write their name. Write it a few times; write it like you are 14-years-old and falling in love. Feel each movement without judgment of “how” you are writing it (you perfectionist!).  Notice pressure and speed. Pray love into each specific part of their body as you write each specific letter of their name. Be present to how love can move from your brain to your fingers.

This is just the beginning.

 

 

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www.1000strands.com

Photos by Jennifer Upton www.byjenniferupton.com

Want to see more great pictures of life through the lens of beauty and attention?

 

31 Days of Love and Making It

Posted on by Nicole

Hey Friends!

All throughout October I am participating in the Write 31 Days blogging challenge. For 31 days straight I will be writing daily on: LOVE & MAKING IT.

If you are new here, I often talk about Beauty and Sex, Bravery and New Perspectives. My passion is to talk about passion – the lack or the abundance – and if we can have 31 straight days of inspiration and conversation around sex… then EVERYONE WINS!

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{We are up and running… here’s a few of the posts in the series if you’d like to jump on in. You can always click on the LOVE AND MAKING IT link at the top to see all posts under that topic, as well.}

Push-Up Bra

In the Biblical Sense

Tickets to the Sex Show

Naked Whispering Gallery

And back to the original post…

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We think we have to love our bodies in order to really enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?

What if our marriage {bed} could be the place where we bring our whole selves, without fear or pretense, to experience freedom, fun, excitement, healing, passion, and beauty… LIFE to the Fullest?

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

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My hope is that by the end of October, we will all have 31 reminders about why God gave us bodies… and we’ll know better how to use them for GOOD.

 

Single?

Married?

Male?

Female?

Everyone is welcome.

 

Have questions about sex that you want me to address?
Tweet me:  @nicoletteromero

There’s just something good about being able to talk about anything without shame or guilt. There’s just something good about being proud of the BODY + SOUL you’ve got. There’s just something extra good about finding new ways to love and make it with your beloved.  Let’s talk about all that and more.

Come back everyday in October for inspiration on Love and Making It.